


reaching out for the northern lights

by blindinglights



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alexei never makes it to the NHL, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coming Out, M/M, Pining, Tater & Geno friendship, Winter Olympics, real hockey players are mentioned/make an appearance, world championships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-15 14:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11807850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindinglights/pseuds/blindinglights
Summary: Alexei gets drafted third overall to the Providence Falconers. It's always been his dream to play in the NHL, but when he goes back home after the draft his dream is shattered when he learns there's no way for him to leave the KHL. As he tries to remain hopeful, he gets named to the 2010 Winter Olympics roster and once there he starts getting to know Kent Parson.(Or, an AU where Alexei doesn't make it to the NHL.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [Dellessa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dellessa/pseuds/Dellessa) in the [OMGCP_Heartbreak_Fest_2017](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/OMGCP_Heartbreak_Fest_2017) collection. 



> Dellessa prompted, "AU where Alexei doesn't make it to the NHL. He meets Kent during the Winter Olympics."
> 
> So first off, I loved this prompt a lot. My immediate thought was of Malkin, [because he didn't make it to the NHL at first](http://penguins-primer.wikia.com/wiki/Evgeni_Malkin) (a lock out after he was drafted and then things happened that prevented him). Because of that, I really wanted to write the prompt and give it a try writing Tater with a similar story. Secondly, I did a lot of research for this fic (Trying to figure out the dates of the '09 draft, the Olympics, the dates of the different championships, etc). Russian translations are taken from Google translate, so if anything is wrong, please let me know. For English translations, hover over the Russian text (also can be found in the end notes). 
> 
> Thanks to FD on tumblr who really helped me a lot with this fic. They helped me brainstorm, read through this countless times, and gave me some good feedback when I was feeling stuck. Thanks to FB for looking it over for grammar/spelling. Any remaining errors are my own. Check please belongs to Ngozi.

_2009-2010 season_

Alexei gets drafted on a Friday. 

It almost feels like a blur. The bright lights, the huge stage, the tables and tables of different teams lined up. Alexei doesn’t know how he manages to go from table to table, interviewing with the different teams, but he manages. His English isn’t good, he knows, and he struggles to find the right words to say. He’s so nervous that he knows he messes up, probably says the wrong word or two somewhere, but if anyone notices they don’t say anything, just shake his hand and thank him for his time. 

Alexei knows the first three teams for a draft pick are the Aces (first), Schooners (second), and Falconers (third). There’s murmurings around the draft, Alexei barely understands what they are except for the fact Jack Zimmermann isn’t here. Alexei knows he was supposed to be one of the first draft picks, first or second, between Kent Parson. Alexei sees Kent here and there, talking with all of the teams. Alexei hasn’t seen Kent since the NHL combine from a few months back. Kent’s smiling at every owner and GM he meets, but Alexei can tell it’s a little hollow, a little fake. It doesn’t hold as much happiness as he remembers it did before. 

Alexei smiles at him as they stand next to each other, waiting, says, “Good luck” in his best attempt at English, accent thick. Kent smiles at him warily and doesn’t look at all excited as they name him first pick to the Las Vegas Aces.

Alexei goes third to the Providence Falconers, walks out to all the cameras and lights, and puts on the jersey. He almost can’t believe it, it feels too surreal to be standing here, grinning at the camera and wearing a jersey for a NHL team, his dream come true.

\--

Of course he should’ve known it was too good to be true. 

There’s the huge issue of the fact that SKA won’t let him go. They tell him something about contracts, unable to break it, that they _need_ him. He feels guilty immediately and he doesn’t want to let them down. He knows his father would feel the same, a duty for his country that he can’t break no matter what. Alexei’s been with them for a few years now, and he knows he’s one of their top scoring defensemen. He tries to tell them that the NHL is his dream, that he wants to play for the Falconers, but they won’t listen. They explain to him that it’s important that he stays, that he plays for his country like he’s supposed to, like his father did before him. It makes Alexei feel guilty for wanting to play for the NHL at all. He thinks, _what would my father say?_ , as he listens to them talk. So he finds himself agreeing with them, of agreeing to stay for them, even if it’s the last thing he wants. It’s best if he doesn’t make a scene or tarnish his father’s good name. 

Alexei calls his agent, Tom, right away when he gets home and explains what happened. There’s apparently a lot of financial disputes between Alexei’s KHL team and the NHL, preventing Alexei from doing anything. Tom tells him that he’ll try his best and that Alexei will play in the NHL, one way or another. It might take some time, but it’ll happen. Alexei thanks them but he doesn’t have much hope right now. After the meeting, he doesn’t think he has a chance at all. He’s stuck here and he won’t be playing for the Falconers in the upcoming season at all.

So Alexei plays for his team, does his best regardless of how he feels, and when he’s asked to play in the 2010 Olympics, Alexei agrees happily. He’s always wanted to play in the Olympics, and now he’s getting his wish come true. He travels with the rest of the Russian team, some that are in the KHL like him and others that are big NHL stars. He feels starstruck when he sees Evgeni Malkin and Alexander Ovechkin, and he questions how he got picked to play for his country with them. They know and they laugh about it, patting him on the back and telling him he’ll be just fine. 

Alexei finds himself gravitating toward Evgeni on the plane to Vancouver, one who had a similar issue as Alexei has, and he eventually made it to the NHL. With heads pushed close together, he listens closely to Evgeni’s own tales of hardships and sneaking away, and Alexei thinks, _maybe one day I can do that_. 

\--

Alexei has been to the Olympics before, years ago with his Mama and Papa, back when his parents used to compete professionally. Being at the Olympics because _he_ is the Olympian this time is an entirely different experience, and Alexei finds himself looking at the Olympic rings in awe. A few of his teammates seem completely unfazed by all this, a few having already competed before, but there are some who seem as in shock as he feels. It feels unreal, almost dream-like to him that he’s here right now. He wonders if it’ll feel like this when he finally makes it to the NHL. 

“Alexei! Come, or we will be late! I want to drop my stuff off at the village,” yells one of his teammates, and Alexei realizes almost everyone's way ahead of him. He must’ve been too caught up in daydreaming, he thinks, and runs to catch up with everyone else.

The apartment they are given is nice, fitted with a kitchen, living room, and beds in each room. It’s nothing extravagant, but Alexei isn’t here for fancy, he just wants to play hockey and hopefully win a medal for his country. Everyone is quick to pick their rooms, and Alexei takes whatever is left. 

Alexei’s parents are set to get here before the opening ceremony. He misses them already, but he’s here to make them proud. His father won gold during the 1992 Winter Olympics. If it’s one thing Alexei wants to set out to do, is to bring home some type of medal for his father, to show him that he can be a great hockey player just like his father was.

Alexei tosses his bag onto his bed. 

“I’m going to go look around,” Alexei says, coming out of the room. Half the teammates he’s rooming with are already gone, off to who knows where, and the rest are stretched out on the couch. The TV is on, turned on to some station with Russian subtitles. 

So Alexei wanders around the village. At first it’s just to look around, to take in his new surroundings, and then it’s to try to find out where they are serving food for all the athletes. He knows that’s where at least half his team has to be. Alexei zips up his jacket against the chill of the winter air and stuffs his hands into his pockets in an attempt to keep warm. He walks around for maybe ten more minutes when he sees the shock of blond hair shoved underneath an Aces snapback, and Alexei stops in his tracks, staring right at none other than Kent Parson. 

Kent is dressed in his Team USA gear, Aces snapback sitting backwards on his head, and he’s laughing with the rest of Team USA. Alexei hesitates for all of a second before he’s striding over to him. He stops right in front of Kent, unsure with what to even say. It takes a moment before they all realize they have company and Kent looks over at him. Alexei goes to open his mouth to say _something_ , but stops. 

Kent’s looking at him expectantly, eyebrow cocked. “Hello?” Kent asks.

“Hello,” Alexei replies back.

“Alexei Mashkov, right? You went third in the draft?” Kent asks then, and Alexei is taken aback that Kent remembers him. 

“Yes,” Alexei says. They barely spoke a word to each other, not at the draft and not even at the scouting combine. “Nice we see at Olympics.” 

“Yeah,” Kent says. The other guys next to him are looking at Alexei and it makes Alexei feel nervous, because he knows all of them are from the NHL. He knows their faces, but not their names. “You want to go get some food with us?”

Alexei considers it for a moment. He could, or he could just as easily find what teammates have to be at catering too. “Okay,” Alexei decides on. “I’m eat with you.”

The catering, as it turns out, is pretty close by to where they were. There are already a lot of athletes going through the lines for food, and others already sitting down. Most of everyone is sitting with what looks to be their teammates, or at least just their country. Alexei wonders briefly if maybe he should’ve chose to sit with his team, instead of with Kent. He doesn’t know if this will make things worse for him, to be sitting with the opposing team, especially ones who are from the one place Alexei can’t go. 

They are sitting down with their food when one person asks, “So two NHL rookies, huh?” 

Alexei looks up, blinks twice, and says, “No. No NHL.”

The guy looks between Alexei and Kent. “No?” the guy asks, clearly confused.

Alexei shakes his head. “In draft but no NHL. I’m stay in Russia. I play in KHL.”

Kent looks confused now, too. Surely he’s heard, surely they’ve all heard, but maybe nobody has paid attention to Alexei. Third in the draft, but he can’t even play. 

“I’ve heard some things, rumors mostly,” Kent says then. “Why?”

Alexei stares down at his food, hating this question. How is he supposed to answer this? _Yes, I am stuck in the KHL. No, they won’t let me leave. Yes, I want to play in the NHL but I’m not allowed to! Everything's a mess and I wish it was not!_ When Alexei looks up again, it’s to see the entire table looking at him. Alexei wishes he could hide right now.

“I have no idea what you just said,” Kent says, and Alexei realizes he said all of that out loud and in Russian. “But you sounded upset.” Kent looks at his teammates, as if daring them to say anything. “We won’t bring it up again, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Alexei says. “I’m have hard time.” 

When Alexei meets Kent’s eyes from across the table, it’s to see some sort of understanding. Sure enough Kent says, “Yeah I get that,” and Alexei believes him.

\--

The opening ceremony is amazing, and it feels like a dream he’ll wake up from soon to be walking during “Parade of Nations”. Alexei loves it, and is filled with pride to look out at the crowd of people and the rest of the nations are walking ahead and behind them. Evgeni sneakily pokes him during it, grinning widely as well, as if to say _I feel it too_. Evgeni’s been to the Olympics before, back in 2006, and Alexei wonders if it felt this overwhelming to him then. The opening ceremony ends before he knows it, and then they are all shuffling back to the village to rest before the games begin. 

The entire Russian team plays games in the apartment and it gets loud. Towards the end, Alexei heads into his room, retreating away from everyone. Evgeni looks concerned but Alexei waves him off, mouthing that he’s, _fine, just tired_. He can still hear everyone but the door helps some to mute the noise just enough that if he buries his head in his pillow, he can fall asleep. 

\--

Alexei sees Kent here and there throughout the first few days, but they are both in different groups. Kent’s in Group A, whereas Alexei’s in Group B. Both Russia and USA are playing first, Russia against Latvia and USA against Switzerland. Alexei sits in the stands and watches as Kent takes to the ice. Alexei finds himself watching Kent during the entire game, the way he moves across the ice like he was made just for this. It’s like nothing he’s seen before, and ten times better than any tape Alexei has watched of Kent. It’s one thing to watch grainy footage, and another to watch the player live. Kent is skilled, something like Alexei’s never seen, and it’s no real surprise why Kent went first in the draft. Even if Alexei knows Jack Zimmermann was just as good. Alexei wonders, if nothing had happened to Jack, if the NHL would’ve been able to handle both Kent and Jack. 

USA ends up winning, 3-1. Kent barely celebrates with his team. Alexei’s pretty sure he’s the only one to notice it.

Russia wipes the floor with Latvia. Alexei yells, rushing his teammates at the end to give them hugs. It’s euphoric, but his teammates help to ground him in the _now_ , to help remind him of the fact that they’ve only won one game and there’s still many games to go. 

Alexei sees Kent that night, hanging out by the water with his teammates, snapback still on his head. Alexei makes a beeline straight for him. 

“Good hockey,” tumbles out of Alexei’s mouth when he stops in front of Kent. He closes his mouth quickly and stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jacket. 

“Thanks?” Kent asks, smirking. “Good hockey yourself.” 

Kent had only one assist in the first period and a goal in the second, but it was beautiful. Kent may be on a different team here, but Alexei knows to recognize skill when he sees it. 

“Is very good, your goal. I like,” Alexei tells him and does the motions that Kent had done on the ice. “Other guy not even see you.”

Kent ducks his head, fixing his hat. It almost looks like there’s a blush to Kent’s face, but it might just be from the cold. “Yeah, that’s...thanks.” Kent clears his throat, bumping a shoulder against Alexei’s. “I watched you play, did good out there. Defended the puck like a pro.”

Alexei looks out at the water, feeling his own face heat from the praise. “I try, not think I as good as other guys, but--”

“No,” Kent cuts in. “You’re good - _amazing_ out there, okay?”

“Okay,” Alexei says.

\--

Alexei goes out on the ice for the second game of the Olympics and tries to give it his all, and he tries to forget about everything else. 

There’s a few guys on his team who keep chirping each other about random things that Alexei doesn’t understand, but that must come from playing with or against each other over in the USA and Canada. It feels almost like he’s missing out on something big, and Alexei finds himself somewhat distancing himself from his team when that happens, only to be pulled back in with them. There are a few players who keep eying him with worry, especially Evgeni, but Alexei tries his best to shrug off their concerns. He’s fine, he’s _okay_ , really. He’s here at the Olympics, and it’s a lot more than he’d really expected to ever have. 

The NHL and the rest of Alexei’s dreams and aspirations are a far away thing that Alexei tries his best not to dwell on too much. His agent gives him periodic updates, and that’s all Alexei can expect right now. He knows it could be much worse; he could be not playing hockey at all, and that he knows he couldn’t live with. Or he could not even here, since he remembers what Evgeni told him about Metallurg basically having a tight leash on him. SKA and Russia could’ve said no to Alexei, and yet here he is, playing at the Olympics.

During this game, Alexei ends up on the second defense pairing, instead of the third pairing like he was during the first game. It’s not much of a change, but nonetheless he goes out there and he skates hard and tries his best for his team, for his country, for himself. They end up losing the game and Alexei finds himself in his room in the dark, trying to recenter himself before the next one.

\--

Alexei doesn’t feel like hanging around his team tonight. He watched Team USA play and so he knows they won earlier in the day. He wants to find Kent and congratulate him for how well he played on the ice. He doesn’t know where Kent is staying at, but he figures it must be in the same building as he’s in. They must put the hockey teams near each other, right? Sure enough, when Alexei gets to the building, Kent is sitting out front, back against a railing. Alexei feels like he could spot Kent anywhere by now.

“Parson?” Alexei calls out. “Why you not celebrate with team?”

Kent looks over at him and then shrugs, like he doesn’t really care. “Didn’t feel like it.”

“It cold,” Alexei says, because it is, has to be somewhere close to the negatives. He can feel the cold biting air against his face. 

“We can go inside,” Kent offers. “You want to?”

Alexei nods and says, “Yes, before I freeze and not be able to play.”

The inside of Kent’s apartment is exactly like Alexei’s. The TV is already on, turned to some cartoon that Alexei’s never seen before. Kent catches him looking at it and says, “We can watch that, or we can do something else.”

“I’m not care,” Alexei says with a shrug. They spend an hour watching TV, even if Alexei barely understands what’s going on. It’s all in English and he only recognizes a few words. Kent is curled up in a corner of the couch with a blanket over his lap and a hoodie on, the sleeves pulled down over his hands. Alexei nudges him with his foot, startling Kent to look over at him. 

“What?” Kent asks.

“Before was looking for you,” Alexei confesses. “Wanted to see you.”

“You did?” Kent cocks his head to the side, half a smirk on his face. “Any reason?”

“See game again, want tell you good job,” Alexei replies. “USA doing good, maybe go far?”

Kent laughs, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie. “Don’t jinx me.” And then, “So are you planning on watching all my games?” Kent asks, changing the subject. 

“Maybe. Want to, if I can. I like watch you play.”

He’s not sure if it’s the lightning, but it looks like Kent’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink. Kent looks good like that, with a slight blush to his face, Alexei realizes. He looks away from Kent at that, back at the TV.

“So we’re just gonna watching this until my team comes back?”

“Is okay, is little bit funny.”

“Have you seen it before?” Kent asks and when Alexei shakes his head no, Kent starts explaining the show to him. It’s about a small purple dog that lives with an older couple in the middle of nowhere. Alexei relaxes more as he listens to Kent talk and talk. Overall, it’s nice.

 

\--

Russia makes it through to the quarterfinals of the Olympics, but loses against Canada. Alexei turns away as he watches Crosby try to console an upset Evgeni as they make their way through the handshake line. After they are through the handshake line, Alexei leaves the ice to get his gear off and a shower. He takes his gear off slowly, ignoring his teammates around him. All that’s running through his head right now is that he lost, Russia didn’t even medal at the Olympics, and his parents are out in the audience and had to watch his failure. He can’t make it to the NHL, and he can’t even win an important medal. Some part of Alexei would’ve settled for at least a bronze medal, something at least that he could say, _look, I tried my best_. He doesn’t even feel like he tried his best, right now.

He stays in the shower long enough that someone calls his name and he drags himself out of it, getting dressed and then shouldering his bag as he makes his way out of the arena. It’s snowing and cold, and he shivers at the feel of it against his skin and his still wet hair. Crossing his arms, he makes his way toward the shuttle that’ll take him back to the village. Once there, he gets halfway to his apartment before he changes directions and starts heading toward Kent’s. 

Kent answers the door after two knocks, standing there in nothing but low-slung sweatpants and an Aces Hockey shirt. It makes Alexei’s fingers itch to reach out and touch him, but he’s not sure if he can. He doesn’t know if maybe the rest of Kent’s teammates are in the other room, doesn’t know if Kent would allow it even if they were alone. So Alexei keeps his hands to himself and says, “Hello.”

“Come in, it’s too cold out there,” Kent says, ushering him inside. There’s a few guys on the couch this time - Kessel and Callahan, he remembers from what Kent told him - but other than that the apartment is quiet and mostly empty. Kent leads him to his room where he shuts the door behind them and waves a hand at the room as if to say, _sit wherever_. 

There’s not really many places to sit, so Alexei makes his way toward the bed. He gets halfway there when Kent says, “Wait.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to go for a walk instead?”

“You said it too cold.”

“It’s fine, I’ll bundle up,” Kent says, grabbing his coat. 

They make their way to the lake nearby and Kent lays his arms against the railing, looking out at the water. Alexei stands just a few feet away for the longest time, until he finally stands next to Kent, laying his own arms against the railing. It’s a nice night, despite the cold and occasional rain and snow combination. 

They don’t talk. Alexei finds himself looking at Kent when the silence stretches on for too long, at the way the light hits the side of Kent’s face, the way his nose is red from the cold and his eyes are closed. _He’s beautiful_ , hits Alexei hard, enough so that he’s gripping the railing. He wants to kiss Kent, right here and now. He has an urge to reach out and cup the side of Kent’s face, kissing the freckles on his face and trailing the kisses down to his mouth. But he can’t. Instead, Alexei looks away, back at the water before them and tries to put the thoughts out of his head for now.

\--

Canada takes home gold, while USA wins the silver medal. Alexei watches from the audience as Kent is given the silver medal. Alexei is happy for Kent, but he still feels the disappointment and sadness from his own loss. Sixth place hurts, and Alexei still feels as if he let down his country, as if he let his father down. The rest of his teammates are feeling the loss hard as well, but he doesn’t think anyone is feeling it as hard as Evgeni is. It must be hard, to watch one of your best friends win a gold medal and be happy for them, but still feel that lead feeling of loss in the pit of your stomach. 

Despite Alexei’s better judgement, he finds himself taking the stairs up to Kent’s floor and knocking on the door. It’s quiet on the other side, and Alexei wonders if Kent’s not even here, out with his teammates celebrating. Still, Alexei waits, until finally the door opens to reveal a tired-looking Kent. 

“I’m surprise you here,” Alexei says.

Kent shrugs and moves out of the way, allowing Alexei to walk inside. Kent’s the only person here, it looks like. Alexei’s glad, because the only person he really wants to see right now is Kent, if he’s being honest. 

They stand just inside the door for the longest time. Alexei has his hands in his pockets and he feels suddenly nervous, not sure what to say that isn’t some form of feeling terrible for basically letting his family and country down. When he finally looks at Kent, Kent’s looking at him with an expression Alexei can’t place, somewhere between understanding and worry and Alexei’s not sure if he deserves that. 

Kent grabs ahold of his hand after a moment of silence, and he lets Kent lead him to his bedroom. It’s messier now, like Kent was in the middle of packing his things up. Kent walks him to the bed, watches as Kent crawls onto it until he’s laying down. 

Kent pats a space next to him and says, “Come on” and Alexei feels lost. Kent’s all stretched out on the bed, a smirk on his face, and Alexei isn’t sure if he’s reading things correctly right now. There’s hope unfurling in the pit of his stomach. He settles down beside Kent. The bed is a tight fit with two hockey players on it, but they manage. Alexei lies next to Kent and stares up at the ceiling. There’s a spot in the middle where the paint is uneven, like whoever did it painted two more coats on one side than what was necessary. Alexei counts his breaths, in and out, twice before he looks over at Kent.

Kent’s eyes are closed and he looks more peaceful like this, less like the world is caving in around him, suffocating him. He looks beautiful, just laying there. His blond hair is a mess against the pillow and Alexei has this urge to run his fingers through it. 

“You’re staring,” Kent says, calling him out. He’s looking right at Alexei now, with a look Alexei can’t even figure out. 

“You are very pretty.”

“Pretty?” Kent’s face is scrunched up.

“Cute,” Alexei says, leaning in until his nose is bumping against Kent’s. This is most likely a stupid thing to do, but Alexei doesn’t care. He hopes he’s reading things right.

“я действительно хочу поцеловать тебя.”

“I don’t know what you just said.”

“Want kiss you.” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

Alexei leans in the rest of the way and kisses him. Kent’s lips are soft against his. The kiss is chaste and tentative at first. Kent’s hand fists in his shirt, tugging Alexei impossibly closer. Kent sweeps his tongue over Alexei’s lips and Alexei groans into his mouth as the kiss deepens. He runs his hand down Kent’s side and tugs Kent until he’s straddling Alexei’s hips, Alexei moving onto his back. It’s good, feels amazing, and Alexei doesn’t want to stop kissing him. 

“Kent, Kenny,” Alexei groans, and before he really knows it, Kent is up and off of him, standing far away and Alexei is left blinking at him. 

Kent’s arms are crossed, protecting himself from something, and Alexei is filled with a sense of dread. 

“I hurt you?” Alexei asks. 

Kent shakes his head, still holding himself close. He’s staring unfocused at the floor and there’s something wrong here, doesn’t sit well with Alexei at all. He’s not sure what to do, or how to help.

“What is wrong? Please, Kenny, talk to me,” Alexei tries. 

“Don’t,” is all Kent gets out, moving further away until he has himself backed into a corner of the room. He looks like he’s ten seconds away from bolting right out of the room. “Don’t call me that.”

“Okay, I am sorry, not mean to hurt.”

“Out,” Kent grits out. “Get out.”

“Okay,” Alexei says, hands raised in surrender. “I’m leave.” 

When Alexei shuts the front door behind him, he leans back against it and tries to figure out what just happened. He doesn’t understand any of it. He wants to know what he did wrong.

\--

Alexei goes back home and goes back to playing in the KHL. His teammates ask him about how everything went and chirp him for all the rumors that go around about the Olympics, about girls, asking him if he slept with any of the gymnasts or figure skaters. Alexei either ignores it or tells them to pay attention to hockey. That only earns him more chirps. He can’t tell them that he ended up making out with another boy from an opposing hockey team, he can’t tell anyone at all, and he has to hide everything away. He can’t even talk to anyone about what he’s feeling about Kent Parson, can’t tell anyone that he might be falling for another boy for fear of what people might think. 

So Alexei plays hockey and tries to push Parson to the furthest parts of his mind. There’s only a few games left in the season and Alexei’s team actually has a chance of making the playoffs. They are vying for the Gagarin Cup this year, and he’s hoping they may actually stand a chance. 

It comes as a complete surprise when Alexei checks his email to find one from Kent. They had exchanged emails at the Olympics, but Alexei wasn’t sure if he’d hear from Kent at all after what happened. It’s short and there’s no mention of the kiss at all. It just says, _Hey, Mashkov. I don’t really know what to say in these. But, hi? I hope your season is going well. I think mine could be going better than it is, but at least the Aces are making the playoffs anyway._

It’s short and pretty neutral, friendly. If Kent doesn’t want to talk about it, then they won’t. 

It’ll have to do.

\--

They email each other every chance they get. Alexei tends to send Kent long, rambling emails about the playoffs and his family. Kent’s emails tend to be on the short side, but sometimes there are longer ones and those always surprise Alexei in the best way. Halfway through the summer, Alexei gets an email with pictures of a fluffy white kitten. 

_Meet Kit Purrson, my little princess. She’s already spoiled. I love her so much._

She’s beautiful; fluffy, white fur with piercing blue eyes. She reminds Alexei of a cat version of Kent, and Alexei finds himself loving this cat already. In one photo she’s perched on a large cat bed, paws out-stretched in front of her as if she knows she owns it. 

_Very pretty cat. Remind me of you little bit. She look sassy and own it. Happy you get cat, you need company. Cat be good for you. Not good being alone in big house_ , Alexei writes back. Because Kent had bought a house recently, one with too many rooms and a large backyard with a pool. It’s a nice house, but Alexei doesn’t know how anyone can live in a large house by themselves. Alexei is happy with his one bedroom apartment. 

There’s a reply waiting for him in the morning. Alexei smiles reading it. 

_Haha, very funny. You calling me sassy? And what do you mean by “own it”? Are you calling me bossy?_

_No I’m saying you walk into room and people look at you and listen. Not remember English word. But it is very you_ , Alexei replies back. 

Kent’s reply arrives within seconds. It must be late where Kent is. _Commanding? Is that what you’re looking for?_

Alexei quickly sends back, _Yes! You command room. She command room. Bow to Princess Kit’s feet, she best._

 _Yeah_ , Kent’s next reply says. _She is the best. I love her so much already, Alexei._

There’s a photo attached to Kent’s last email, a selfie of him and Kit in what looks to be Kent’s bed. She’s curled up in the crook of Kent’s arm, fast asleep, and Kent’s looking into the camera with a sleepy expression. He’s not wearing a shirt or his hat, and Kent looks softer here somehow, dialed down by the unconditional love of his cat. 

Alexei has to look away.

\--

There’s still no update about the NHL situation. His agent, Tom, is still trying their best and Alexei’s thankful, but he still wishes there were some sort of update. Even if it was small, he wants something. He wishes he could just leave, but he knows it’s more than just that, that it’s not that easy. Tom tells him about the ins and outs of contracts and how they work, that they need a plan in place in order for anything to work, and that he’s working on one. It’s hard to hear, but Alexei listens. 

Kent has taken to emailing Alexei encouraging things when Alexei starts to feel the real weight of everything on his shoulders. It’s nice to hear from someone not directly linked in all this, and Alexei has started telling Kent that he sounds like a captain and that he’d make a good captain one day.

 _I don’t know about that_ , Kent says often. It’s like he doesn’t understand his own self-worth and just how amazing he really is, and that makes Alexei’s heart ache. 

_You be best captain. You already good with talking to me. I believe you can do it_ , Alexei tries to encourage him. Kent hardly listens, but Alexei isn’t about to stop telling Kent how great he is. And even if they won’t be anything _more_ , Alexei still likes him. 

Kent deserves the world, and Alexei wishes he could get him to see that, wishes he could be the one to show him that.

\--

Alexei gets named to the team Russia roster for the 2010 World Championship. He recognizes some names on the list as those he played with during the Olympics, and he’s excited to see them again. He looks up the USA roster and sees Kent’s name. Alexei is a mix of happy and nervous to find out that he’ll be seeing Kent again. 

Alexei pulls up his email and hesitates for a few minutes, trying to decide if he should email Kent or not. Eventually, Alexei clicks on the email and types out very carefully, _I see you at Worlds_. He had typed out _can’t wait to see you_ but quickly deleted that, not wanting to seem too eager. 

He still can’t stop thinking about the kiss at the Olympics or Kent’s reaction. He still wishes they could just talk about it, but he doubts that’ll happen anytime soon, or at all. 

He goes about the rest of his day. Works out, practices at the rink, and goes to his favorite place to eat for lunch. His team was knocked out of the playoffs, so close yet still so far away from winning the cup. He wanted it, knows his team wanted it badly as well, but it just wasn’t going to happen for them. At least he has hockey to look forward to soon. He’ll leave in a few weeks to start practicing for the championship and he’ll get to spend time in Germany for awhile. 

When he gets home, he checks his email to see a reply from Kent, a simple _see you at worlds_. Alexei smiles at the email before clicking out of it and heading to bed. 

\--

It’s warm when Alexei steps off the plane in Germany. He doesn’t waste time getting to the hotel from the airport. The quicker he can set his bags down, the better. When he gets there, the hotel lobby is already filled with other hockey players. He finds himself looking around for Kent, wondering if he’s here already. He doesn’t spot him and before he knows it he has his room key and he’s heading up the elevator to his room. He’s supposed to get to the rink by 10am the next morning to meet with the rest of his team, half of whom are here already, the rest arriving later tonight. There’s nobody in the room when he gets in, and Alexei wonders when his roommate will show up, if they are here already or not. 

He takes a nap and is woken up a few hours later to the door opening and closing. Someone mutters in Russian, sounding exhausted, and Alexei cracks an eye open to see none other than Evgeni. He’s surprised, to say the least, that they are rooming him with Evgeni, but he’s happy nonetheless. He likes Evgeni, and they get along pretty well. 

“Hello, Zhenya,” Alexei greets and laughs when Evgeni startles.

Evgeni swears again and says, “You are going to give me a heart attack.”

“You will live,” Alexei says. 

Evgeni throws his hat at Alexei, which misses him completely. Evgeni tosses his bag into a corner and puts away a few things in the closet. Alexei stays on his bed, waiting since Evgeni had mentioned going to get dinner and drinks with Gonchar and possibly a few others. The place they go to is nearby the hotel and packed with other teams. Alexei finds himself looking for Kent in the restaurant, but he doesn’t spot him anywhere yet. They never made any plans to meet up and there’s no way for Alexei to contact Kent now. 

It’s not until they are headed back to the hotel that Alexei finally catches a glimpse of Kent. He’s at the checkout counter, Aces bag slung over his shoulder. Kent looks sleepy soft, hair poking out of his hat in disarray. Alexei has an itch to go over to him, touch him, pull him close. Instead, Alexei hurries to catch up with his teammates and takes the elevator up to his room.

\--

He runs into Kent after the first practice. Kent’s hovering by the bench, watching Russia practice. Alexei skates over to him. It’s the first time they’ve really seen each other since that night at the Olympics, and Alexei is feeling nervous. Even with the emails, he’s not prepared for the onslaught of feelings.

“Hello, Kent,” Alexei says. 

“You looked good out there,” Kent tells him. “Good form, strong skating.”

Alexei stops just before the bench doors. “Thank you.”

“So we have practice after you guys, but do you want to wait for me?” Kent asks, and it feels like Kent’s trying to wave a white flag and put whatever happened behind them. Alexei wants to know, but he’s willing to put it behind them for now if it means he can still hang around Kent. They’ve been fine in their emails, but Alexei still feels a twist of nervousness being here with Kent. 

Alexei nods. “Yes, I’m like that.” 

“Good, great, uhm. I’ll see you after, okay?” And then Kent’s walking away, back toward wherever his team must be waiting for him, waiting to get into the locker room. Alexei’s left watching his retreating back until someone bumps him. Alexei looks back to see Evgeni. 

“Your friend?” Evgeni asks. 

“Yeah, my friend,” Alexei says, because he supposes he could call them friends. They are something, at least. People who email occasionally about their lives and hockey. People who kissed before. “Drafted same year, you know?” 

Evgeni bumps him again and then moves past him to leave the ice. “Your friend is a good player. Good potential out in Las Vegas. We won’t wait for you then?”

“No, I’m going to stay back here and wait for him.”

USA practices for an hour and Alexei spends it sitting in the stands. He loves watching Kent on the ice, and Kent seems to have only gotten better. Whatever the Vegas coaches are doing is shaping Kent into an even better player and Kent may have said Alexei is good, but Kent is something beautiful and amazing out on the ice. His size allows him to move easily between the larger players. When they leave the ice, Alexei stays in his seat and waits. Kent will either come find him, or Alexei will eventually get up.

Sure enough Kent searches him out and sits next to him. There’s water in Kent’s hair, dripping down his face, and Alexei wishes he could kiss him. Instead, Alexei reaches out and brushes the water away. Kent freezes and they both stare at each other for a moment before Alexei is moving away and apologizing.

“I’m sorry,” Alexei says.

“No, it’s...It’s okay,” Kent manages. “You want to go explore the area?” 

“Yes.”

They walk through the streets for awhile. Alexei has never been to Germany before, but he loves Berlin so far. 

He and Kent are walking close together, bumping shoulders and arms periodically, and all it does is make Alexei ache to reach out and close that remaining distance and hold Kent’s hand. They walk until they come across a small bakery. There are some treats in the window that Alexei has never seen before, but they end up going inside much to Alexei’s insistence. They probably shouldn’t eat this stuff during a competition, but they do anyway. Alexei orders a soft pretzel and Kent orders cheesecake that he ends up letting Alexei try a few bites from. It almost feels like a date as he cuts a piece off from Kent’s food and eats it, watching as Kent laughs and tries to move his plate away from him.

When they get back to the hotel, Kent stops at the elevator and asks, “You want to come up? I have a room to myself.”

Alexei stumbles. “Yes, okay.”

The room is mostly tidy except for a few clothes tossed over a chair and the bags Kent brought are tossed on the floor where their contents spill out of them. Kent motions for Alexei to sit wherever, so Alexei makes a spot on the bed. He feels awkward here, remembering what happened last time they were in a room alone. He starts picking at a loose thread in the comforter until Kent sits next to him. 

The whole thing that happened at the Olympics seems to be sitting between them and Alexei doesn’t know what to do, let alone say. He doesn’t have to worry much longer because Kent says, “I’m sorry.”

Alexei’s head jerks up at that. “No, no,” he says, because if anyone should be sorry, it should be Alexei. “I should be sorry. I not want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” Kent says. “It was, uh. I don’t like to be called ‘Kenny’. It’s linked with something not good, okay? So it wasn’t your fault.”

“Okay.”

“Just don’t call me that and we’ll be okay. I wanted to tell you that, tell you why I acted the way I did.”

“Thank you for tell me,” Alexei says. “Can I kiss you?”

“I don’t know,” Kent says, stumbling over his words. “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

“Is okay, you know. You say no, I’m not push.”

Kent doesn’t say anything to that, but he looks thankful, almost relieved when Alexei really looks at him. Alexei excuses himself after that, telling Kent goodnight before making his way back to his room. 

\--

There’s a few more days of practice before the games begin. Russia isn’t set to play until two days after USA’s first game, so Alexei goes to watch Kent’s game. It’s a close but low scoring game and USA ends up losing in overtime. Kent looks defeated as he exits the ice and Alexei wants to comfort him. They don’t meet up after that game, no matter how much Alexei wants to. It’s not until the following day that they do, after both of their teams have practice. Kent still looks like the game the day before is bothering him, but he doesn’t mention it and Alexei knows better than to bring it up. 

So instead, they take another walk in Berlin in search of a new place to eat. It’s when they are sitting down that Kent finally says something. He’s pushing his food around his plate, his legs periodically brushing against Alexei’s under the table. 

“You’ll win your first game,” Kent says, sounding confident. “You’ll do good tomorrow.” 

“You think we do okay?” 

“You’re a solid team,” is all Kent says, before he’s changing the subject. He goes into a story about his two goalies who had a prank war during the tail end of the season and who, as Kent says, will probably start back up once the season starts.

Their legs are still pressed together under the table the entire time, and Alexei doesn’t want to move away. It’s a nice time, one that Alexei wishes would never end. It feels almost like a date to him. If only that were possible to happen.

\--

After their first game, Alexei finds himself hanging out one-on-one with Evgeni. They walk around the area, trying to find somewhere to get lunch, taking in the sights when Alexei says, “You know, I’m surprised they let us room together.”

Evgeni stops in front of a small cafe. He shrugs. “They messed up. Or they trust you.”

“You think so?” Alexei asks, curious. There’s a line at the counter, but the food smells good. 

“I don’t know. Similar stories, except I made more of a scene back then. I haven’t heard that you did. I think I could see them being more worried you’d leave if you were actually in North America.”

“I went to the Olympics!” Alexei points out, because that was in Vancouver. He could’ve left then, he realizes. It was a possibility, even if it wasn’t something that was even on his mind back then. He was too caught up with the Olympics, of playing hockey, that the idea of leaving never crossed his mind.

“People on the team were watching you, the coaches and equipment crew,” Evgeni says and that makes Alexei pause. He never noticed anyone keeping an eye on him back then, had no idea they thought maybe he’d bolt. 

“I wanted to play in the Olympics.”

“Well, yes. I know that. They didn’t. They see us together, they see me and they think, Mashkov will leave just like Malkin did and they don’t care.”

“But I didn’t leave, I stayed there.”

“Yes, and so you earned some trust from that.” 

Evgeni only left four years ago, but it’s still probably fresh in his mind. Alexei remembers the stories he heard and the things his father told him. His father always thought highly of Evgeni, thought he was a great player and seemed to have supported Evgeni’s decision to leave Russia for the NHL. It makes Alexei wonder if that means his father truly supports his own decisions. 

And Evgeni won the Stanley Cup and brought it back to Russia for his cup day. If things seemed fine then, Alexei wonders if that means if he left if things would be fine for him too. 

\--

USA ends up losing in the preliminary round and are knocked out of the championship. USA is set to play in the regulation round next, which are games that the bottom two teams from each group from the preliminary play in order to see which two teams can go on to play in the following year’s world championship. Alexei finds himself at Kent’s door. He knocks once before Kent’s opening the door for him. He looks defeated and Alexei hates it. He pushes past Kent and into the room.

“I’m not the best company right now,” Kent says as he makes his way over to his bed. Alexei grabs his hand, stopping him. Kent turns around to look at him, questioning. 

“I’m not care about that,” Alexei tells him and pulls Kent into a hug. Kent’s stiff in his arms for a few moments before he finally goes loose in Alexei’s arms, wrapping his own around Alexei’s waist. “You still do good, play good, Kent. Best hockey player.”

Kent laughs humorlessly against Alexei’s shoulder. “I’m not, I shouldn’t have even--”

“No,” Alexei says, looking Kent in the eyes. “You are best, I’m see, I know this.”

Kent lets out a shuddering breath, just staring into Alexei’s eyes, both not moving an inch for a few minutes. And then everything happens fast: Kent leans in and kisses Alexei and Alexei freezes for all of a second before he’s kissing Kent back, pushing him until he falls against the bed. Kent scoots back on the bed, taking Alexei with him and Alexei goes willingly, crawling between Kent’s spread legs, neither breaking away from the kiss. It’s both like and better than the last kiss and Alexei can’t help groaning into Kent’s mouth at the first sweep of his tongue against his lips. 

They undress quickly, barely taking their eyes off of each other as they do, and then they are kissing again and falling back on the bed in a tangle of limbs. They don’t do much more than rub off on each other but Alexei feels like he can barely breathe. It feels like there’s too much feeling behind his ribcage, begging to get out, and he doesn’t know what to do with it all. Kent is beautiful underneath him, with his head tossed back, mouth slack and open. Alexei buries his face against Kent’s neck and lets himself go.

He falls asleep next to Kent and when he wakes up Kent’s not in the room and Alexei takes the hint and heads back to his own room. Evgeni doesn’t say anything when he sees Alexei still wearing the same clothes from the night before. He’s glad for small mercies.

\--

Sleeping with Kent Parson was probably one of Alexei’s bad decisions, and not bothering to actually talk about it with Kent is probably even worse. But Alexei can’t focus on Kent at all. He has the qualification round games to focus on. Alexei’s team needs to get through these games and win so they can qualify for the elimination rounds. If he spends too much time and energy on Kent, he knows it’ll start to affect his game, and he can’t let that happen. He has enough on his shoulders as is when it comes to hockey. So Alexei practices and plays his heart out, and tries his best to get Kent out of his head. It works, mostly. Or at least that’s what he tells himself. 

But by the looks Evgeni keeps giving him throughout the day, Alexei’s pretty sure it isn’t working well. At least he tries.

\--

Russia wins the first game of the qualification round. It’s a close call, Russia winning by one goal against Germany. Alexei leaves the ice happy but tired, and he chugs an entire bottle of water in his stall as his teammates celebrate around him. Everyone pats him on the shoulder or the back as they start to leave the locker room, congratulating him on his beautiful assist on the goal that ended up being their game winner. 

By the time Alexei is showered and dressed, everyone has already left. Alexei shoulders his bag and starts heading toward the shuttle that’ll transport them back to the hotel. Kent’s sitting by his hotel door when he gets back and Alexei stops halfway down the hall, staring at Kent who looks wary and nervous. 

“How long you wait?” Alexei asks. He knows Kent had a game earlier in the day, one of the first in a series of regulation games that really only mean anything for next year’s championship. 

“Not long,” Kent says. “Can I come in?”

Evgeni is going to be out for a little bit tonight, out with Gonchar for drinks and dinner, so Alexei knows they’ll have some quiet for awhile. “Okay,” Alexei says. “You come in.”

Maybe he shouldn’t be letting Kent in this easily, but nobody ever said Alexei was good at making decisions when it came to things he cares about. Alexei takes a deep breath, steeling himself, and swipes his key card, letting them in. The room looks lived in by this point, both his and Evgeni’s things scattered everywhere. Alexei motions toward his bed, still unmade from this morning. Kent sits down hesitantly. 

They watch a little bit of television for a while, shoulder to shoulder on the bed, and somehow they end up laying down on the bed, curled up close together. Alexei hates how much he likes this, the closeness, even if Alexei is confused and unsure about all of it. Completely unsure with Kent and where he stands, barely even knows about himself honestly. 

Kent gets up for something and then lays back down next to Alexei a few minutes later. He can feel the bed dip as Kent gets in and situates himself next to him again. Kent curls up against his side and Alexei doesn’t move, keeps his arm covering his eyes and tries to take deep breaths. 

Alexei says, “I’m not understand.” Because he doesn’t know what this is, doesn’t understand why Kent is here at all, not after the other night when Kent had left before Alexei had woken up. Alexei feels like Kent is sending him mixed signals and Alexei hates how it’s making him feel. 

“I’m sorry,” Kent says against Alexei’s shirt, voice muffled. They don’t talk after that, just lay together until they hear the door open. Kent pulls away, fixing his shirt, and he can’t even look Alexei in the eye. Alexei feels lost.

Evgeni walks past Kent as he leaves and he raises his eyebrows at Alexei, as if looking for an answer. Alexei doesn’t bother giving him one, just turns around in his bed until he’s staring at the window. Thankfully, Evgeni doesn’t bother asking any questions.

Alexei spends the rest of the night curled up in bed, staring at the wall until he eventually falls asleep.

\--

Russia goes on to the quarterfinals and USA ends up making it through the regulation games. They don’t talk much in-between those games. Kent’s quiet, withdrawn almost and Alexei wishes he knew what was going through his head right now. He wishes Kent would just talk to him. 

On the night before the quarterfinals start and Kent’s set to head back to the United States, Alexei finds himself going to Kent’s room. He’s pretty sure this is the worst decision he could make right now, but he doesn’t really care. Kent answers the door and doesn’t say more than a polite greeting. They sit in silence for the longest time. 

“We need to talk,” Alexei ends up saying.

At the same time Kent blurts out, “I can’t do this.”

“What?” Alexei asks, not sure what Kent even means. What can’t Kent do?

“This,” Kent says, motioning to himself and Alexei. “I can’t do this, okay? I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Can’t be with me?” Alexei asks. “No kissing?”

“No. We can’t do this. I’m sorry, Alexei. I just. I _can’t_. There’s too much that you don’t know, okay? You don’t know.”

Alexei realizes that Kent’s hands are shaking and he looks so tired, with dark circles under his eyes. He wants to grab ahold of Kent and beg for answers, just wants to make things right for Kent, make him happy. 

“You not want?” Alexei asks, and hates the way his voice comes out. 

Kent’s quiet for the longest time and he’s just staring at the floor before he says, voice so quiet and sad, “I don’t know.” 

“Okay.” Alexei takes a deep breath, standing up. “Okay, I’m leave now. I’m sorry, I’m going to go.” He walks right out of the door and Kent doesn’t bother trying to stop him.

\--

Russia makes it all the way to the gold medal game and ends up losing it to the Czech Republic. It’s not a gold medal like Alexei had hoped for and wanted, but it’s not practically last place like the Olympics were. 

He boards his flight and spends half of it staring out at the clouds and thinking about the entire two weeks. He wonders about a lot of things, if things could’ve been different, if he could’ve done something different, if he made mistakes; all pertaining to one Kent Parson. But at the end of the day, he wouldn’t change a thing. He realizes, with burn in his chest, that he might be falling in love with Kent Parson. He’s not sure if he’s _in_ love but it’s a near thing that hurts just thinking about it. There’s a dull ache in his chest that he can’t seem to shake, no matter what he tries, and he wishes it’d go away. He thinks love isn’t supposed to hurt this badly. 

When he gets off the plane, it’s to his parents waiting by the gate. His mother has her arms outstretched, and Alexei wastes no time hugging her. He’s missed her, but he knows that no matter where he plays - NHL, KHL, or international - he’ll still be away from his family for long stretches of time and even after all these years now, he still hasn’t grown accustomed it. 

His dad hugs him, right there in the airport, and says, “I’m proud of you.” 

It helps, just a little. 

\--

It takes a month, but Kent eventually sends Alexei an email, much to Alexei’s surprise. They end up talking after that, just like how they were before. It’s almost as if Kent is putting everything behind him and ignoring what happened. It hurts, because Alexei knows he’s falling for Kent and he’s already in too deep. If all Kent’s going to give him is his friendship, then he’ll try to be friends with him, because he’d rather have Kent in his live than not at all.


	2. Chapter 2

_2010-2011 season_

 

The new season starts before Alexei knows it. There’s a few new faces on the team, a rookie and a player from the NHL who thought signing with the KHL would be a good thing to do at the tail end of his career. Sometimes he finds himself wanting to ask him about his experience in the NHL and what everything was like, but every time he’s about to ask the question it dies in his throat and he ends up talking about other things. The guy’s Russian is terrible, and Alexei chimes in with his own chirps at him. 

Alexei is still working with his agent. There’s no major update on the whole “Get Alexei to the NHL” but Tom thinks he might be on the cusp of something. He ends up talking to Tom more and more as the new season starts. It’s been a little over a year now since Alexei was drafted by the NHL, and each passing day it kills him that he’s not where he wants to be yet. Tom tells him to hang in there, that maybe soon they’ll have something substantial that can help, but there’s a part of Alexei that feels like nothing will happen. He’ll be stuck here for good, being a “good dutiful son” as he keeps hearing people say. He loves his dad, but he’s never wanted to be him, no matter if Alexei chose to be a hockey player. He still wants to be his own person, be known for his own skill set, and not constantly compared to someone else. 

His dad never made it to the NHL and instead chose to stay in the Russian superleague even if some of his teammates were heading off to play in North America. His dad never felt like it was for him, as he always tries to tell Alexei. His dad was happy where he was, playing in his country, somewhere close to his family and where he felt comfortable, more or less. 

Growing up, Alexei was always drawn to the NHL. The different teams, the players he saw on TV like Bad Bob Zimmermann and Jaromir Jagr, the tales of the Stanley Cup. His father never understood it, but he never once told Alexei that his dream was bad, just that most people wouldn’t understand. Because why would Ivan Mashkov’s only son want to play hockey in America if his father didn’t?

He wishes he wasn’t stuck here, that he could find some way to get to do what he wants instead of doing what is expected of him. If only things were that easy.

\--

Ivan starts noticing Alexei’s despondent mood, or maybe he’s always been aware of it since Alexei had learned the news of his fate. But eventually his father finds him alone, sitting out in the backyard and throwing a ball for their dog, and sits down quietly beside him and doesn’t say anything. Minutes pass by with no word spoken by his father and Alexei sighs.

“I wish I could help you,” Ivan confesses. 

“It’s been a year,” Alexei says. “I don’t think I’m meant to go to the NHL.”

“I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I don’t think you’re meant to stay here and play in the KHL.”

“Then why am I stuck here?” Alexei asks.

“Because life is unfair and cruel, but don’t give up hope. One day, you’ll make it.”

Alexei sighs again, stretching his legs out and digging his heels into the ground. “I’m being the good dutiful son, taking after you.”

“The silly media doesn’t know anything, Alyosha. You are _you_ , and I only expect you to be the best you that you can be. They try to pressure you to be more like me, but they don’t know anything. Ignore them.”

“It’s hard, papa.”

His father stands up, placing a hand on Alexei’s shoulder and says, “I know. But just know I love you and I am proud of you.” And then Alexei listens as the door opens and closes, and Alexei’s left outside alone again. 

The dog runs back to him with a ball in her mouth and plops it down by Alexei’s feet, her tongue lolling out to the side. Alexei reaches out and pets the dog before picking the ball back up and throwing it far. 

\-- 

He doesn’t get the chance to do it often, but when he can he watches NHL games on his laptop. They are almost always of the Aces. It’s only the start of the season, but they’ve been on fire so far. They’ve won more than half the games this month already, and people are already speculating that they could win the cup. The Aces are captainless, too, and there’s been talk that Kent may become the new captain in the upcoming season, or possibly even sooner. Kent’s only twenty; he wouldn’t be _the_ youngest, but he’d still be pretty young for a captain. Alexei hasn’t brought it up to Kent yet, but he finds himself logging onto his email one night and typing it up.

 _I watch your games, you doing good job. I hear you may be captain. True???_

Kent replies back to that within a few days, saying what he always does in the face of the possibility of being captain, which is to wave it off like it’s not something that could happen at all. Like he’s not good enough to be the captain in the first place, and Alexei still thinks that’s ridiculous. He knows Kent, knows that he would make a good captain one day, and if he gets the Aces captaincy soon then he deserves it. But Alexei gets it, Kent’s nervous because it’s only his second year in the NHL and Alexei knows being captain of an NHL team is huge. 

Alexei doesn’t hear from Kent as often as he’d like, but they still email back and forth. They talked a lot during the off-season, but it seems to have dwindled down to a handful of emails a week now that the new season has started. At least he’s still hearing from Kent, because it’s usually the highlight of his days.

\--

Alexei gets named to the team Russia roster for the U20 championship while he’s in Moscow. The championship is in Buffalo, New York, all the way in the US. He’s almost surprised that they picked him out, especially with it being where it is, but Alexei will take what he can get. 

He tells his parents first thing when he gets back home and his dad congratulates him. His dad tells him to, “Go win another medal for Russia” and Alexei tells him he will. His team already knows, he told his coach right away, so he’s already excused since it’s for Russia. He knows playing for his country is his duty, it’s been ingrained in him since he was a kid and watching his father play in the superleague. He’s supposed to go out there and play his heart out and win a medal; gold is his goal, and so far he’s only brought home the silver medal in the world championship. He feels like he’s letting his father and mother and country down by not bringing home something that means he’s number one. Sometimes he’s not sure if what he has done is anything worthwhile, even if his father said he was proud of him when he brought home silver. There are days that Alexei thinks he has to try more and harder to achieve better things.

\--

**To: kentvparson  
From: alexeimashkov**

I’m going to USA at end of year. Will play for U20 championship in New York. Hoping I bring home gold. Make papa proud of me. I’m try this year. Don’t think I’m do well so far. Crazy we be in same country but not see. I’m missing you I see last game you get nasty check. Be careful out there, you small hockey player easy to get hurt. 

**To: alexeimashkov  
From: kentvparson**

Hey, first of all I may be small but I can handle myself. Got it? Second of all, good luck at world juniors. Last year right? You’ll be 20 next year, you can’t qualify for U20 after that. So kick ass and show them what you’re made of. I bet you’ll win gold. Good team put together, plus they have you. Best Russian defesemen, no contest there. We’re closing in on the halfway point to the season here. Just trying to keep going. Troy’s out with a pulled shoulder and we have two other guys out with broken bones. Not sure if we can do this. I really want the Stanley cup, Alexei.

**To: kentvparson  
From: alexeimashkov**

You lucky I like you. I should want Falconers to have cup, but I’m not want them to win without me. Think it be too hard see them win and I’m not there. 

**To: alexeimashkov  
From: kentvparson**

Good thing, huh? Not sure you should like me, but I can’t stop you I guess. 

**To: kentvparson  
From: alexeimashkov**

I’m like you lots)))) You try for Stanley Cup, I try win gold medal. Deal?

**To: alexeimashkov  
From: kentvparson**

I feel like you’re getting the better deal here. But okay, we have a deal.

**To: kentvparson  
From: alexeimashkov**

Is not better, just different goals. Still try win something, yes? 

**To: alexeimashkov  
From: kentvparson**

Yeah, okay. You’ve got a point. Let’s try our best, yeah? 

\--

November goes by fast and before Alexei really knows it it’s December. He leaves for the championships a week before they start. Kent’s asked him about Christmas, since Alexei will apparently be in the States during it, but Alexei had to explain to him that Christmas in Russia is different. There’s a big celebration for the New Year, and from what he knows it’s a lot like what North America celebrates in December. Alexei won’t be home for any of that this time.

The plane ride is long and it’s late by the time he makes it to Buffalo. He’s dragging along behind his teammates to the shuttle that’ll take them to their hotel. It’s cold and snowing and all Alexei wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep for days. There’s practice early the next morning, though, and the sooner he falls asleep the better. He wishes they were given at least one day off before practice starts to shake off the jet lag. 

There’s a week of practice and Alexei only knows and remembers a few guys on the team. A couple are in the KHL like him, but the rest are either players drafted the same year as Alexei, players from the 2010 draft, or those who are yet to be drafted. For some this is their first world juniors and it makes Alexei feel old and wise. This is Alexei’s last world juniors after all, since he’ll be too old to compete in it the next time. 

They immediately place him on the first defensive pairing, with another d-men from his draft year; Orlov, who was drafted to the Capitals.They are good together and quickly find chemistry on the ice. Alexei tries to keep his mind on hockey and the games ahead of him, rather than the jumble of emotions he’s currently feeling. He can’t stop thinking about the fact that he’s _here_ , in North America. 

Keeping his mind on the games ahead of him is a lot easier said than done, but he still plays well out there anyway. He counts himself lucky at the end of every game. The team are keeping a close eye on him, keeping him on a short leash, as if they are worried Alexei may run away like Evgeni did. There’s a part of Alexei that’s thinking about it, he won’t lie, but he’s not even sure how to go about it. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to get away, unless somehow he gets lucky. 

\--

Russia wins the first game, but loses the second without scoring even a single goal. Sweden completely shuts them out, and they all leave the ice feeling defeated. But they pull themselves together enough to win their next game by a large margin, 8-2 against Norway. Alexei even manages to get an assist during the third period and he feels elated as he exits the ice, patting his teammates on the back and yelling nonsense. They win their fourth and final game, another win by a large margin, and they get to go onto the final rounds of the championship. 

He doesn’t talk to his teammates unless he’s at practice or during a game, choosing instead of to keep more to himself and his thoughts. He reads a lot, and ends up buying an English-Russian dictionary when they go out to a nearby mall. They eat greasy pizza in the food court and Alexei finds himself looking through the dictionary, wishing he could get better with his English. His teammates joke around with him and he jokes back, but mostly he just keeps quiet. It’s not like him, he’s not like this at all, but he’s half afraid he’ll say what’s been running through his head since he got here. 

So he plays, and in his free time he starts formulating some sort of plan, even if he can’t look anything up on his laptop for fear that his roommate may see, even if he doesn’t think he can get away. He plots and plans anyway, just in case. 

Somehow, they get through the quarterfinals and the semifinals and make it to the gold medal game.

\--

There’s five minutes left in the last game and Russia’s up by a goal. When it’s Alexei’s shift, he gets out there and protects the puck like it’s life or death. He checks a few guys into the glass and skates away, going to the corner where one of their forwards is battling it out for the puck. He’s out there for a solid minute before they are pulling him back to the bench. Alexei looks up at the jumbotron and watches the time tick by. In the last minute, he’s put back out there with strict orders to, “Make sure this doesn’t go to overtime”. 

It doesn’t. By some sort of miracle, the timer runs down to zero and the horn blares in the arena, signaling that Russia has won gold. Alexei lets out a breathless laugh, bracing for the impact as his teammates swarm him. 

They’ve just won gold. Alexei has a gold medal now. His father wanted him to go out here and win a medal for their country, and Alexei kept to his word that he’d do it. 

After press and locker room celebration, the entire team goes out to some nearby restaurant that serves good Russian food. One of the guys on the team was drafted by the Sabres and he swears by the place. It’s a little fancy and upscale, but the food is great. Everyone is loud and happy, and Alexei tries to get swept up in it and manages to for most of the night. But he can’t stop thinking about the what ifs.

It’s late by the time he gets back to his hotel room. He lays in the dark on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. There’s so many emotions running through him right now. Happiness, because he just won. Tiredness, because he’s been playing nonstop and he’s exhausted. But he’s also feeling like it’s not enough, it’s settled deep in his bones, making him feel almost weary in it’s heaviness weighing him down. This, right here, isn’t enough. Not that he doesn’t like playing for his country and winning international competitions. But he doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow and have to get on a plane back to his home country.

He’s here already, why does he have to leave? Why can’t it be easy and he can just do what he wants?

He wants to play for the NHL. He wants the possibility of it to stop dwindling down into nothingness and some far away idea. He was drafted. The Falconers, at one point in time, had wanted him. He in turn wants to play for them.

Alexei glances over at the clock. It’s late, just after two in the morning. His roommate is in the bathroom, Alexei can hear the shower running. He gets up off the bed and finds his bag, still sitting on the chair by the window. He packs his bag, carefully but quickly putting all his belongings back in it as neatly as he can. He has to be quick about this, because his roommate could stumble back into the room and it could ruin everything.

Alexei doesn’t think much of it besides _I have to go_. Sneaking away from his team ends up being surprisingly easy, even with the amount of “security” they’ve seemingly put on him. There’s nobody out in the hall when he exits the room. He makes his way down the stairs and into the lobby, and thankfully there’s nobody in the lobby either when he gets there. The train station isn’t as far away as he originally thought. He has a little bit of money left, just enough to get him onto a train and to Providence. It’s late, but there’s still trains available. He buys his ticket and waits for a half an hour until it’s finally time board the train. Eventually he’s seated on the train with his backpack at his feet. His heart is racing and he can’t stop thinking, _what am I doing?_ His hands are shaking.

It’s cold outside, but the train has working heat and the feeling of it ends up lulling Alexei to sleep an hour into the travel despite his anxiety. He doesn’t wake up until they’ve reached Penn station in New York City, and Alexei is startled awake by the announcement of their location. There’s an hour and a half until he has to catch his next train, so he makes his way upstairs to get some food and fresh air. It’s cold and dreary, but the streets are filled by so many people. Alexei tugs his jacket closer and stuffs his hands into his pockets and makes his way to a McDonalds for breakfast food and a coffee. He eats his breakfast slowly at the back of the fast food place and then buys a second coffee before heading back to the station for the next train. 

Alexei stays awake during the next train, watching out of the window at the pretty scenery that lays before him. There’s ocean that stretches on for miles and miles, and the sun is rising, casting the water in a soft glow. It’s beautiful, and Alexei’s breath catches at the sight. Looking out at the water, Alexei has a sense of new beginnings, something that maybe he can look forward to soon. He hopes, at least. 

The train ride is over before he knows it, the announcement letting him know that he’s finally reached Providence. Alexei takes a deep breath, his exhale shaky. This is it, Alexei thinks, I’m here. He grabs his bag and makes his way off the train.

There’s a diner near the train station in Providence and Alexei all but stumbles inside. “Phone?” Alexei asks and then swears in Russian. “I’m need phone?”

Alexei calls his agent first, but manages to only get the voicemail. Frustrated and anxious, he calls the only other person he can think of - the Falconer’s assistant GM. The line rings and rings before a kind voice answers at last. “This is Georgia Mart--” the voice starts, before Alexei is all but steamrolling over her greeting.

“Georgia, I’m needing help,” Alexei says, and then, belatedly, “This Alexei Mashkov.”

“Alexei!” Georgia says, surprise clear in her voice. “Where are you?” 

“Providence, I took train,” Alexei tells her. “Just me, not know what to do.”

“Oh sweetie, I’ll be right there, okay?” Georgia tells him, voice soft and soothing. “Can you tell me anything more?”

“In diner, uh, Dash-something? Not know name, just came in, wanted call,” Alexei replies, because he wasn’t caring about names. That meant nothing. He wasn’t thinking about anything except for contacting someone who could possibly help. “Please come.”

“I’ll be right there,” she says, and then the phone line goes dead. Alexei stares at it for several moments before someone is tapping him on the shoulder. He shakes out of his reverie and looks at the person, only to realize right, he’s holding their phone. Alexei hands the phone back, thanking them profusely for the help. 

Alexei isn’t sure how long it takes until Georgia gets there, but the waitress behind the counter has given him two glasses of water by the time she comes through the doors. Alexei’s head shoots up, and even if he’s only met her once, way back at the draft, he feels a sense of comfort at the sight of her, like everything will be okay. Eventually. “Georgia,” Alexei sighs out, and lets Georgia wrap him up in a hug. Alexei exhales shakily against her neck and tries not to cry. 

“Come here, come on, let’s get out of here and go to the rink, okay? We can try to get things settled right now.”

The rest of the day is long, filled with phone calls that last hours and too many people talking and too many things about contracts that Alexei only vaguely understands. Most of the time it seems like just Georgia and his agent discussing what will happen, and most of the time Alexei zones out on accident, staring blankly at the wall. He’s tired, exhausted by the time everything’s wrapped up, but he feels happy and lighter when Georgia tells him that he can stay, that they are going to try everything they can so that he can stay for good, and that there’s a teammate willing to let him stay with him and his wife.

Alexei readily accepts, feeling thankful and relieved.

\--

Alexei meets Sebastian St. Martin, who introduces himself as Marty. He has an accent that reminds Alexei of the people he talked to when he was in Montreal for the draft. He says as much to Marty, who pats him on the shoulder good naturedly and says, “I’m from Montreal. We need to get you a nickname.”

“Alyosha,” Alexei says. “Russian name for Alexei.”

“Different name, kiddo. You need a real hockey name. We’ll think of something. How about you go get your stuff up to your room and then come back downstairs for dinner? You can meet my wife.”

“Okay. Like Marty?”

“Yeah, like that, something fun and different, just for you.”

“Just for me,” Alexei echoes, and Marty pushes him in the direction the stairs, urging him to get settled. Alexei goes willingly, putting his things away in the dresser. The bed is big and comfortable and Alexei sighs as he lays down on it. 

The room he’s been given looks warm and inviting, but a guest room all the same. He’s not sure how long he’ll be here, but this is his room for now.

In the morning, Alexei heads downstairs to the smell of breakfast. There’s a whole spread out on the table and his mouth waters just looking at it, even if he doesn’t recognize some of the food. It looks delicious. And it is, when they finally settle down to eat it. When he’s done eating he sets his fork down and looks over at his new teammate and his wife.

“Thank you for have me,” Alexei says, in as good of practiced English as he can. 

Marty’s wife smiles kindly at him. “Marty here has always wanted a rookie to stay with us. We’re happy to have you here.”

“We’ll help you find a place of your own when it’s time,” Marty says. 

“I’m first rookie to stay? No other?” Alexei asks.

“You’re the first,” Marty says. “We’ve thought about it before, but just haven’t yet. Until you.”

“Hope I be good guest in house.”

“Good so far,” Marty tells him with a smile. “I think you’ll do good here.”

Alexei smiles back at him and thinks, _I hope so_.

\--

There’s swarms of media with question after question when Alexei gets to the practice rink. Alexei stares at them, hears their shouted questions, and feels like running away. He doesn’t understand half of what they are yelling at him and doesn’t know the first thing to do. His teammates help him inside, shielding him away from the press. They usher him into the locker room and slam the doors shut on what press has followed him inside.

“They're vultures,” Thirdy says. “Let the kid have some time to adjust.”

“He was third overall pick and didn’t come here until now,” Guy says. “They want to peck at him until he says something.”

“They don’t really care that he’s in a new country, they just want information for a headline,” Marty says, and then turns to Alexei, saying, “Don’t talk to them. Don’t give them anything. They don’t deserve it. Just skate with us at practice and then we’ll go home.”

“Yeah, Mashkov, you don’t owe them shit,” Snowy pipes up.

“They speak so fast I don’t know what they say,” Alexei says. “How think I say anything? Not understand! Not stupid, just not know right words. They look at me like I’m stupid.”

“Listen,” Marty says. “They don’t understand anything and they don’t care to. You are not stupid for not knowing a language, okay? English is my second language, and it was not easy to learn. I’ve had years. You are doing your best.”

“I’m try,” Alexei says, a little weakly. 

“And you’re doing a good job,” Marty tells him. “Now come on, let’s go get on the ice, bet you’ll feel better after a skate.”

Alexei feels warm all over from the fact that his team has his back already and he just met them. Alexei ignores the media after practice, shouldering his way toward Marty’s car. It’s not easy, not with their shouts of his name, but he manages. If he wants to talk to them, he’ll let someone know, but for now he wants to be far away from them. There’s enough going on, he doesn’t need media possibly twisting his words and making him sweat from trying to find the right words to say in English right now.

\--

A few weeks pass with no word yet on how things are going besides “things are in motion” from his agent, Tom. He goes to practices with the team, but he can’t play in any games yet. He’s able to bond with the team, at least. During one practice a few weeks in, he gets partnered on the third defensive pairing. He’s told they’ve been shuffling lines and pairings a bit, trying to find the right chemistry and they think he’ll fit here. Alexei really doesn’t care which pairing he’s with, he’s just happy to be here and playing with them. 

After his shift, Marty yells out, “Good shift, Tater Tot!”

Alexei comes to a stop on the ice. “What is tater tots?” He feels dumb for asking, but he doesn’t know what it is at all. Some North American thing, he assumes.

“Uh, it’s like a food,” Marty explains. “Tiny potatoes?”

Alexei laughs. “Tiny potatoes.” 

“Tater tots are good,” Snowy pipes up from where he’s sitting on top of his net. 

“Where can we get these tiny potatoes? I must try,” Alexei says.

“You can come by my house,” Snowy tells him. “I probably have some in the freezer.”

So after practice, instead of Alexei going home with Marty, he ends up leaving with Snowy. He likes the backup goalie. They get along pretty well so far, Alexei thinks. They are around the same age, with Snowy having been drafted a year before Alexei was. Snowy was playing in the AHL, but he was called up recently when one of the other goalies was injured. 

Snowy’s apartment isn’t very big, but it makes up for it in niceness. Alexei looks around, immediately spotting the video games. Snowy shrugs and tells him they can play some games, that he has NHL 2010. Snowy does, in fact, have tater tots in the freezer and he heats them up in oven. When Snowy comes into the living room with a plate full of food and two beers, he points at Alexei and says, “Not a word about this.”

“I won’t tell!” Alexei tells him. “In Russia, there is no drink age but you not able to buy until eighteen.”

Snowy starts up the game on the Playstation and settles the food between them. Alexei picks up a single tot and pops it into his mouth. It’s too hot and burns the roof of his mouth, but it _is_ good and Alexei hums pleasantly at the taste. 

“Is good. I like a lot.”

“You know, we should call you Tater. I mean, your last name _is_ Mashkov, which is kinda like mashed potatoes.” 

“Mashed potatoes, Mashkov,” Alexei says, and laughs. It’s funny and it fits, and Alexei actually really likes it. 

“Seriously, Tater fits you. You’re this giant defenseman, but we can call you Tater. I think the fans will love it.” Snowy says. “Plus Marty’s right, you need a hockey nickname. So why not Tater?”

“Nice name, I like Tater.” Alexei smiles, popping another tater tot in his mouth. 

“Okay, sweet. Now, I’m gonna kick your ass in this game, _Tater_.”

\--

The nickname “Tater” catches on pretty quickly. Sometimes Marty still calls him Tater Tot, but mostly the team just calls him Tater. Alexei loves it, because it makes him feel like he’s more a part of the team. He finally has a true hockey nickname that Marty was telling him about. 

They have some video called Falconers TV that they record and put on the internet, and Alexei waves at the camera and introduces himself by his real name and then his nickname. He grins and laughs at the camera, joking with Snowy who is sitting beside him on the bench. 

“Snowy not know anything,” Alexei says, pushing the goalie away. “Spend too much time in trainers room. How he be good goalie? No practice on ice.”

“Fuck off, Tater,” Snowy says. “I’d like to see you try to protect the crease.”

“I’m a d-man, I protect crease!” 

“Yeah, yeah, not like me though. Come on, put on some goalie gear, let’s trade spots,” Snowy challenges.

“Maybe next practice, yes? I show you how be good goalie, you will see.” 

Snowy grabs him and Alexei laughs as he tries to get away. “I’ll show you!” 

Alexei is already up and off the bench, on the ice where the rest of the team is. Snowy is in his goalie gear and it’s making him too slow to catch Alexei at all. Alexei tosses his head back, clutching his stomach, and laughs and laughs until there are tears in his eyes. It ends up on Falcs TV, and the fans love it. 

\--

It takes about a month, but he ends up sending Kent an email, just to let him know what’s been going on. He thinks Kent should know that Alexei is finally here and that it should be him who tells Kent, even if there’s the possibility that Kent’s already heard from somewhere else already. Kent hasn’t said anything yet anyway. So Alexei sits down with his email and starts typing.

 _I have lots to tell you. I win gold at worlds! Good thing. But I run away. Not know what to do so I come to Providence. Want to play for NHL so bad. If here then why not try? So I come, now live with St. Martin. I like it but miss my family. Don’t know if I can call them. It’s been a month. We play each other soon. Twice! I’m excited. Sorry I have not emailed. Life is very busy now. I have hockey name! I am called Tater now._

Alexei hits send on the email and leans back in bed. He has back to back games coming up. There’s a day off tomorrow, and then they are heading out on a short roadie to Florida to play against the Lightning and Panthers. Even if Alexei won’t be playing, he’s still excited for the sunshine and beaches. 

\--

It’s too early to be awake, but here Alexei is, sitting in Georgia’s office waiting for her and his agent. He had a voicemail from his agent, Tom, this morning when he woke up, and he sounded excited and had said he had good news. Alexei’s leg can’t keep still and he’s clutching the water bottle in his hands like a lifeline. 

Georgia walks in first, smiling the warm smile she always does. “Hey, Alexei,” she greets cheerily. “Looks like we have some news.”

“Yes, hope for good news. When is Tom here? I’m want to know, please,” Alexei says. “Not want to wait long, I need know--”

“I’m here,” his agent says, hurrying into the room. “Traffic was the worst from the airport, sorry to keep you waiting, Alexei.”

“News? Please?” Alexei more than begs. 

“Well, it’s all settled,” Tom says. “Contract with your KHL team has been cancelled. You’re staying here, son.”

“I can stay?” Alexei asks in disbelief. “It is done?”

Tom smiles. “It’s done.”

“Congrats, Alexei, we’re so happy,” Georgia says. “You’re a great addition to the team, and the guys already love you. _We_ love you.”

“I can play.” It’s hitting him slowly and he wipes at his face only to feel that he’s crying. But he can play, it’s all over finally. “When can I play?” 

“We can have you in the lineup for the next game.”

“And contract?” 

Tom takes out a package of papers and sets it down on the table in front of Alexei. It has the team name up top. “Right here, already done up. We just have to sit down and agree on what it entails, you sign it, and then you’ve got your entry level contract in the NHL.”

“I agree, let me sign it,” Alexei says. 

“You should read it over first, Alexei,” Georgia says. “Contracts are important, and you should know what your offer is.”

“I not care, I’m here and I want to play. I like team, like Providence. Is nice city, you know. Everything good, so why not?” 

Georgia lays a hand on Alexei’s shoulder and Alexei looks up at her. She has the same concerned and caring look on her face as she did that day in the diner, and Alexei has to look away, down at the papers on the table. “Please give it a look over first,” she says, and then leaves the room, allowing Alexei to be alone with Tom. 

“She’s right, you should read it over. Don’t get yourself in a mess even if you’re planning on staying. We can go back over it, fix anything you don’t like.”

“Okay.” Tom leaves the room shortly after for some water and Alexei starts looking through it. Some words Alexei doesn’t understand, but for the most part it’s pretty easy and standard. As soon as his agent gets back to the room, Alexei says, “I look over and I agree. Now I can sign?”

“You can sign,” Tom agrees, giving him a pen.

Alexei sits there, signing his first NHL contract. When Georgia gets back to the room, she takes a picture of him for the Twitter with the caption, _We’re happy to announce that @a91mashkov has signed his first NHL contract with the Providence Falconers! Welcome to the team, Alexei!_

Alexei feels as if he’s walking on air.

\--

It’s been a few weeks, but Alexei gets a surprise one day to find an email from Kent. It only says, _sorry this is so late_ and a number underneath. Kent’s told him to text if he wants, and Alexei really, really wants. So he programs the number in his phone and hesitates over a new message. He realizes he has no idea what to even say. He ends up going with a simple _hello_ , because that’s good enough to start, right? He hopes so. 

He pockets his phone after that and heads down for dinner. He eats with Marty and his wife and then watches a little bit of TV in the living room. Marty comes in halfway through an episode and joins him on the couch. There’s been no buzz or chime of anything, and Alexei is feeling antsy and anxious for any kind of response. It takes another hour before his phone finally buzzes in his pocket and he takes it out to see, _hi_. 

His phone buzzes again a moment later and Kent’s text reads, _I heard about the news, congrats._

 _Thank you_ , Alexei sends back and then, _can I call you?_ Instead of the “I miss you” that he wants to send. 

_Yes_ , Kent says, and Alexei bids Marty a good night before heading up the stairs quickly. He shuts his door and leans back against it before hitting “call” on Kent. It rings a few times before, finally, Kent answers. 

“Hi,” comes Kent’s voice, sounding the same as Alexei remembers. And God, Alexei realizes, no matter what had happened before, Alexei finds himself missing Kent so much that it’s starting to physically hurt. “Congrats on making it to the NHL finally.”

“Yeah,” Alexei breathes out. “I’m finally here, I played first game two weeks ago against Panthers.”

“Yeah? Florida is nice. We play there next week.”

“Is very hot there, but nice. Lots of palm trees, hotel had pool we swim in, even went to beach. Might go back in summer, I think.”

“Not go back to Russia?” Kent asks, and then falls silent. Alexei swallows hard, thinking about his family back home and everything that happened. 

“Maybe not anytime soon,” Alexei says, and then, “We play each other next month, you be here in Providence.” 

“Not going easy on you, just because I know you,” Kent says, “So you better be ready.”

“Don’t worry, I not plan either.”

They start talking more about hockey and the season, making the playoffs, and everything in between. Alexei lays down on his bed, an arm outstretched behind his head, and listens to Kent talk and talk. They haven’t really talked in months, not counting emails exchanged, and Alexei misses this. He closes his eyes and allows himself to really relax, with Kent’s voice in his ear. 

\--

“Tater! You gotta move the puck away from the crease, use a little bit more force!” shouts the coach from the bench.

“Sorry! I’m trying best here!” Alexei shouts back and then gets back into position as they try, again, to practice a few things. This time, when the other team in white jerseys tries to make a play at the net, Alexei shoulders them into the glass and smacks the puck away from them and over to Marty. 

“Better, Mashkov!” Alexei hears over the chirps of his teammates and Alexei keeps pushing forward until his team of blue makes a goal. Alexei skids to a halt, placing his hands on his knees as he breathes heavily. 

“You doing okay?” Thirdy asks as he comes up beside him. 

Alexei waves a hand at him dismissively. “I’m okay, little bit tired.”

“Are you sure?” Thirdy asks and when Alexei nods, he adds, “Well a few of us are going to go get wings, if you want to join us.”

Going out for wings ends up being just the four of them. Marty ends up going since Alexei is, even if Snowy said he had no problem dropping Alexei off if Marty needed to get home to his wife. Snowy says he knows just the place for the best wings in town, and when the waitress serves baskets and baskets of them, Alexei agrees with Snowy’s assessment as he bites into one. The sports bar is packed but nobody bothers them. There’s hockey on TV and Alexei finds himself watching the Penguins play the Rangers, and talking about the Olympics and World Championship when he played with Evgeni. 

“Lots of big name Russians for Olympics. Malkin, Ovechkin,” Alexei says, naming each one off his hands. “Made me very nervous, but they all good guys. Good team, you know, not just good hockey but they very nice.”

“I played for Canada that year,” Marty tells him. “I think I remember playing against you.”

“Yes, in quarterfinals, you beat us pretty bad,” Alexei says, inwardly wincing just thinking about it, remembering that feeling of defeat. 

“Sorry, kiddo,” Marty says. “But you played a good game.”

“I try, still hate we 6th place, but Olympics still amazing. My mama and papa play in Olympics long time ago. Mama was figure skater and papa was hockey player, play in Olympics few times. One time I was little kid.” Alexei sighs. “Maybe one day I’m win Olympic medal.”

“Don’t give up hope, it’ll happen one day. It took me eight years to win the Stanley Cup, seven seasons and a lock out, before I finally won it. Never give up. You finally got here, right?” 

And Marty is right, Alexei knows it. “We win Cup one day,” Alexei says, because if it’s one thing he’s always wanted, is the Stanley Cup. “We try, we do it. One day.”

Marty raises his glasses, knocking it against Alexei’s. “There we go, that’s the spirit! We are gonna win the cup one day, boys.”

Alexei smiles and thinks, _yes, we will do this_. For his team, for himself, because this is what he wants. 

\--

Alexei talks to Kent almost regularly. It’s mostly through texts, but sometimes there’s late night calls. They don’t talk on the phone a lot, it’s mostly only when they both have a day off and sometimes when they just need someone to talk to. Alexei likes talking to him and looks forward to the times when they can. The only thing that they don’t really talk about is the upcoming game against each other. There’s no mention of seeing each other soon, and sometimes when they are talking Alexei has this urge to come out and ask, “What do we do when you here?” Because he does want to see Kent, but he has no idea where to go from there. He just hopes it’ll be something more than just a simple hello in the halls of the arena. 

If it’s one thing Kent likes to do the most, it’s send Alexei pictures of his cat, Kit. She’s almost always doing something or he has her in some sort of outfit. When Alexei’s phone buzzes right before practice, he laughs when he sees that she’s wearing sunglasses and sitting out on the balcony with Kent, who is also wearing sunglasses.

Everyone looks up at that. 

“Sorry, friend text me picture of cat, she wearing sunglasses,” Alexei says. “Is very cute.” He sends to Kent, _Kit very cool_. 

A few moments later Kent sends, _she’s cool but do you know how hot it is right now?_

Alexei bites his lip and resists texting Kent that he does know how hot he is. Instead he says, _why you sitting in sun? Go inside_.

 _I’m getting a tan_ , Kent tells him. 

Alexei looks up at his team just before he goes to stand up and put his phone away. They are all looking at him, with little knowing smiles on their faces. “What?” he asks.

“Talking to somebody special?” Snowy asks. 

Alexei freezes for a split second. “No. Just talking to friend, I tell you this already.”

Alexei puts on his practice jersey and when he finishes tugging it over his head, most of his teammates are already heading out to the ice. Snowy is still there with a knowing look on his face, and Alexei feels caught out even if he hasn’t given much away. He can’t say, “I’m talking to cute boy I like, but it’s not easy right now” because he just _can’t_ , no matter how good of friends he and Snowy have become. Things may be better here in America than they are back home, but it still isn’t good. There are still people here, especially in sports, who don’t understand and don’t like people like him. He knows this, he’s heard already how players talk on the ice. And he loves his team, but he’s not sure how everyone will react to learn that they are playing with a gay player. But even with all this, he still wishes he had someone that he could vent and talk to. And even if he had teammates who wouldn’t judge him, he can’t even mention who it is because Alexei isn’t someone who would out others. 

There must have been something telling about Alexei’s inner turmoil, because the smile falls off Snowy’s face and he says, “How about we just get out there before they wonder what’s taking us so long.”

\--

Alexei feels like this was bound to happen eventually, that he’d mess up so spectacularly and awfully that everything would blow up in his face in the worst ways. He just didn’t think it’d be now, of all times. But here he is, on the phone with Kent Parson. He’s listening as Kent talks about his teammate Troy, or “Swoops” as Kent likes to call him, and Kent sounds so happy. Alexei really can’t help it when he blurts out, “I love you” because there’s just so much feeling filling up his chest that he can’t keep it in any longer. 

The line goes dead silent and Alexei’s eyes fly open, fear curling up his spine. He wasn’t supposed to say that. The only thing Alexei can hear is Kent’s breathing. Alexei closes his eyes and starts counting, breathing in and out, and trying not to freak out about the fact that he’s clearly fucked up just now.

“What did you say?” breaks the silence and Alexei winces. Kent’s voice is sharp, biting, and it cuts right through him.

“I’m sorry.”

“What did. You. Say.”

“I say I love you.”

“No,” Kent says, voice sounding a little shaky. “ _No_.”

Alexei manages to say “Kent” before the line goes dead. He can’t stop his hands from shaking.

\--

The game against the Aces is rough. There’s nastier checks than what Alexei typically sees or deals with, and he ends up having to deal some pretty rough ones himself in an attempt to protect the forwards who are trying to put the puck in the net. Kent keeps looking at him throughout the entire game, heavy stares that make Alexei’s hands shake to do something. The Aces win in overtime and Alexei leaves the ice with only one thing on his mind: Kent.

He wants to apologize for the other night, wants to nearly beg for Kent to not hate him, because it was stupid and careless of Alexei to confess that he loved him. Whatever they’ve been doing, this _dance_ they’ve been doing, Kent clearly doesn’t feel the same. 

Alexei makes his way to the visitors’ locker rooms and watches as all the Aces leave, one by one, until he’s pretty sure the only one left is Kent. Sure enough, Kent walks out of the locker room a few minutes later, hair still wet from his shower. Kent doesn’t look surprised to see him, but he’s not telling Alexei to leave, so he’s counting himself lucky.

“We talk?” 

“Yeah, let’s go to my hotel room,” Kent suggests, and Alexei thinks it might be a bad idea, but he agrees anyway. 

They take a cab to the hotel and the entire ride there, Alexei keeps looking over at Kent. Most of the time, Kent’s looking out of the window, but other times Alexei catches Kent looking at him. Kent always looks away quickly after that. It feels almost charged between them, especially when they make their way into the elevator. Alexei still itches to touch Kent, and he’s unsure if he’s reading Kent correctly right now, not after their conversation. But Kent keeps inching his way closer to Alexei on the elevator and sneaking more glances at him, and it’s killing Alexei. Somehow, nothing’s changed between them and Kent’s acting like the other night didn’t happen.

They hurry to Kent’s room and as soon as they get inside, Alexei has Kent pressed against the door. There’s a litany of _bad idea_ running through Alexei’s head right now, but he ignores it in favor of picking Kent up so he can wrap his legs around Alexei’s waist, relishing when Kent moans into the kiss. Kent runs his hands through Alexei’s hair as they kiss. 

“Fuck that’s hot,” Kent says against his mouth.

Alexei walks them to the bed, depositing Kent onto it. Kent scoots back until his head hits the pillow and Alexei follows him, still kissing him. He can never get enough of kissing Kent, could probably do this the rest of his life and not grow tired of it. They break apart long enough for both of them to lose their shirts before they are kissing again. 

Alexei runs a hand down Kent’s side until he reaches Kent’s thigh. He’s missed this, the feeling of Kent under his hands. Alexei kisses the corner of Kent’s mouth, the hinge of his jaw, trailing kisses down to his chest. Kent’s breathing heavy, fingers loose in Alexei’s hair. He’s beautiful like this, cheeks pink and mouth open.

“Красивый.”

Alexei presses a kiss to the center of Kent’s chest.

“Отлично.”

He presses another to Kent’s stomach.

“Моя любовь.”

He hooks his fingers in Kent’s boxers and looks up at Kent, who has his lip caught between his teeth.

Kent looks wrecked and it twists something in Alexei’s chest seeing it. He wishes he could get Kent to see how amazing he is, wishes he could get Kent to understand how much Alexei loves him.

“Please,” Kent nearly begs, and Alexei swallows him down, Kent’s fingers tightening in Alexei’s hair.

\--

They don’t talk after that night. They had fallen asleep for an hour and when Alexei woke up, Kent wasn’t in the room. Alexei had snuck away a few hours later when Kent still hadn’t returned. He went home, and that seemed to be it. Kent never texted him, and Alexei never did either.

Alexei decides to give Kent some space, and so he keeps moving forward. There’s a long stretch of roadies, all in Canada, and he has to focus on those games and not the pain that’s laying heavy on his heart. He needs to play well for his team, because they are falling behind for a playoff spot and he’s determined to try his best until they tell him it’s a lost cause. 

He starts going for runs in Alberta, something he hasn’t been doing since he came to North America. It feels good to be starting this up again. It’s still pretty cold and so he makes sure he’s bundled up before leaving. He runs by himself, leaving early enough that his team doesn’t even realize he’s left, making note of when he should be back for team breakfast. He runs in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal, too. It feels nice to start some sort of routine, since before he just ran whenever he felt like it. It helps ease the thoughts running through his head, just until he’s out on the ice.

He finds, though, that the running only helps a little bit and he still finds himself thinking of and missing Kent. He has no idea what to do or how to even approach Kent to talk to him about all of it. 

So Alexei just plays hockey and tries his best to not dwell on it. He doesn’t think he does a very good job. 

\--

Alexei waits until a few days after he’s back in Providence to send Kent a text. It’s only a _hi_ and it feels like he’s waving a white flag in Kent’s general direction. He knows they should’ve never slept together again, but Alexei’s been prone to shitty decisions when it comes to all things Kent Parson. It’s like a gravitational pull towards him, and Alexei really can’t help himself. He should probably know better by now, but he doesn’t. He figures he never will. 

He doesn’t expect it when Kent calls him later that evening. His phone rings while he’s up in his room and Alexei stares at it for a few seconds, almost a few seconds too long, before he answers it. “Hello?” he answers. 

“Hi, um,” Kent says. “I think maybe we should talk? About some things, about what happened a week ago.”

“You leave,” Alexei says. “No bye. You not say anything. You leave own room.”

“Yeah, well,” Kent starts, and sighs. “We can’t--”

“It hurt when I wake up and you not there.”

“We can’t do this anymore, Mashkov. _I_ can’t do this anymore. Okay? It’s just not going to work.”

“I’m not understand why it not work. If we try.”

“I don’t want a relationship.” Kent pauses. “I don’t want to be with you. Do you understand that?”

Alexei swallows down the hurt. “I love you.” On a shuddery exhale, Alexei adds, “Very special to me. I’m very in love with you.” 

“You’re not anything to me, will not be anything to me, and we should just stop talking.” And then Kent hangs up, and Alexei is left sitting there, not moving an inch, feeling like his heart’s been ripped right out of his chest. 

\--

They play two games in Texas, against the Aeros and Stars. Alexei gets hurt in Dallas, just a slight twist of his ankle and a cut on his cheek, but the team has already decided he’ll miss the game tomorrow in Nashville. They say they want to be careful because Alexei is one of their best defensemen and he wants to say, _I can still play_ , but his brain is caught on the “best defensemen” part. He hasn’t even played a full season yet, but they have this much faith in him? He’s speechless. 

Snowy checks up on him after the game ends, sitting down beside him, just to make sure Alexei is doing alright. He’s still in his gear, his goalie pads big and taking up too much room. Alexei half-heartedly shoves him away. 

“I’d be a terrible best friend if I didn’t see how you’re doing,” Snowy tells him. 

“Have ice on foot, hurt but I live.” 

“You’re just missing one game, you’ll be back out there before you know it.”

“Hate missing game.” Someone comes by then, another trainer looking after him, and ends up taking the ice off of his foot and wrapping it. He’s given clear instructions to go back to the hotel and rest his foot and to be careful with it. Snowy helps him up and helps him to the bus that’ll take them back to their hotel. 

When he gets settled in his room, there’s a text on his phone from Kent that says _are you okay?_

Alexei wants to tell him that there’s no place for him to ask, it’s not like they are together and Kent doesn’t feel the same. But they are still friends, right? He types out _hurt, miss one game_. And then, like an afterthought, Alexei texts him, _I thought we stop talking?_

_Be careful. Take care of yourself_ , Kent texts back a half hour later and Alexei hits his pillow in frustration. Kent completely ignores Alexei’s question. He’s not even sure what he was even expecting. But he wishes Kent would stop being so confusing.

\--

They have a few days off a week after the Texas roadie and then there’s practice. It’s rough and Alexei keeps getting upset every time he messes up a play. He ends up nearly breaking his stick, and instead throws it into the bench with a frustrated shout. His teammates keep shooting him worried glances, but he ignores them in favor of a long shower. Marty is waiting for him in the locker room and they head out to the car in silence. 

Once they get into the car, Marty says, “I know you said you were okay in there, but you don’t look it. You can talk to me.”

Alexei takes a deep breathe and on the exhale he says, “I’m not sure how to say.”

“Take your time,” Marty tells him. “We can sit here for as long as you need, or we can go somewhere else. It’s up to you.”

He could start at the beginning, he could sit here and tell Marty everything, or he can just say the main thing that makes him feel like he’s being torn apart. He closes his eyes, takes another deep breath and thinks, _just say it, take that leap_. “I’m gay,” he finally blurts out. “I love this boy and I tell him. Very, uh, not easy for long time. I be his friend, but we kiss at Olympics. Not go well but still be his friend because I care. We see at Worlds and things happen more. We, uh, sleep together. Still just friends. But I start realize I really like him lot. Very special to me.” Alexei takes a deep breath, eyes closing. “Things happen again, it very recent, but he leave and we not talk for week. He call, I say that I love him and he tell me he don’t want me.”

When he opens his eyes, Marty is just staring at him, but it doesn’t feel judging at all. Surprise, maybe, but nothing bad. Marty clears his throat, looking as if he’s trying to find the right words to say. “Listen, kiddo. Love is tough. Heartbreak is even worse.”

“I wish he want me back,” Alexei whispers wetly, and he hates crying. He hates _this_. “Wish he love me.”

“If nobody sees how great you are, they don’t deserve you. And if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass, _he_ clearly doesn’t deserve you. I know it’s hard but maybe you should try to move on.”

“I not know how.” Alexei lets out a shaky breath, wiping at his face. “What is head out of ass?”

“Means he’s not realizing what’s right in front of him,” Marty says with a laugh. 

“Oh,” Alexei says, and then, “He does not love me though. Not feel like I feel.”

“I think there’s more to it than that, from what you tell me.” 

“Oh,” Alexei says again, for lack of anything better to say. He doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t believe there’s any way that Kent somehow likes him back, or _loves_ him back for that matter. But just the thought of it, that maybe there is something more there that Kent is hiding away behind sharp words and his dismissive attitude that Alexei can’t see. After a few minutes of silence, Alexei takes a deep breath and says, “I think tell Snowy next. He best friend, should know, yes?” 

“Only if you want to tell him,” Marty says, and he’s right. “Are you afraid it won’t go well?”

Alexei shrugs. Some part of him is, yes, but he was scared to tell Marty too and that’s going better than he expected it to. He realizes he trusts this team, he loves them and he’s happy here. He should trust them with this, or at least the ones he’s closest too. He should probably eventually tell Georgia as well, because if it’s anyone that should know it’s her, and she’s only ever shown him real true kindness. 

“A little, but think I’m tell him later.” 

“We’ve got your back, and if anyone on the team has a problem with you they can answer to me. Got it?”

Alexei nods and wipes at his eyes. He’ll tell Snowy tomorrow, he decides, because he doesn’t think he’s up for another emotional conversation right now. He feels drained and the only thing he wants right now is a hot cup of tea and his blanket. 

\--

Alexei does end up telling Snowy the next time they are hanging out. It goes well, much to Alexei’s relief. It’s hard, telling another person, but once it’s out there Snowy just says, “You’re my best friend, and I’ll fight anyone who says anything mean or hurts you. Pretty sure I can take them. Well, with my goalie gear on.”

Snowy even tries to tell Alexei that he’ll give the guy Alexei is sad and pining over a talking to. Alexei has to tell him not to worry about it, but Snowy gets that look like if he ever did find out who it was, that there’d be no stopping him. It makes Alexei happy, knowing Snowy has his back like that. Somehow Alexei got lucky and was drafted by a team filled with good guys, and he’s not sure how it happened but he’s thankful for them and thankful to finally be here.

\--

February comes and goes, and by March Alexei still hasn’t talked to his parents yet. He doesn’t know what to do about that, doesn’t know if he can talk to them now that everything has been settled. He mulls it over for days before he ends up going to Marty for help and guidance and says, “I want call mama but scared.”

“Not know if you can?” Marty asks. “Nervous?”

Alexei nods and wishes he could voice those fears out loud to him. _Scared they’ll be disappointed in me, scared they’ll hate me for leaving, scared I hurt them_ , and the list goes on and on. The last thing he ever wanted was to hurt his parents, but he hopes they’ll understand that he had to leave, it was something that he needed. 

“You should call them,” Marty says. “I can stay in here while you do, if that’ll help.”

“Please,” Alexei more than whispers out and then stands stock still in the middle of the room before he finally makes himself move to find his phone. When he does, he makes his way back into the living room, where Marty is still sitting in the same spot Alexei left him in. He sits down on the other side of the couch, staring at the phone in his hands before dialing his parents’ number. It rings and rings before someone finally answers.

At the sound of his mother’s voice, he starts crying and apologizing. 

“Alyosha, shh, shh, baby it’s okay,” his mother soothes. 

“I’m so sorry, mama,” he says, voice breaking on another sob. “Please forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Alyosha. We love you so much and we know how much you wanted this. It’s okay. Are you happy there?”

“Yes, I’m so happy here. I’m staying with a teammate,” he tells her, and then starts talking about the Falconers and the games he’s played in so far. 

He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but when he’s finished telling his stories, his mother says, “Your father would like to speak with you now. But know that I love you very much. We’ll come see you this summer and you can show us around your new city.”

He feels like crying all over again when his father says his greeting but he tries his best to keep it in. He does cry when his dad tells him that he loves him and is proud of him. 

“You’re still playing hockey,” his dad says. “You’ve always wanted to play hockey, and if that’s in North America playing for the NHL, I’ll still support you.”

With that, Alexei does start crying again. During the entire phone conversation, he forgets Marty is in the room, until he hangs up the phone and Marty places a glass of water in front of him. He accepts the hug that Marty gives. 

“They still love me,” Alexei says against Marty’s shoulder and Marty hugs him tighter. 

His parents might be thousands of miles away, but he’s starting to realize he’s making a new one here, people that care about him as much as his parents still do. He closes his eyes against the wave of emotions flooding him and thinks about his parents coming to visit him soon. 

The only person he didn’t talk to his parents about was Kent, and Alexei doesn’t know if or when he ever can. He can’t picture himself saying, _I love a boy_ to his parents any time soon, but he hopes one day he can gain some courage to do it. Hopefully they’ll still love him for that. 

\--

Life continues to go on. Alexei keeps up with the usual things; practice, games, runs every morning around Marty’s neighborhood. He even starts looking into an apartment, even if he’s not sure if he’ll stay with Marty the following season or get his own place. He thinks maybe he should stay with Marty for a full season, but part of him misses having his own place to himself. 

The one thing he doesn’t do is text Kent. He thinks about it, a few times he opens up their last texts and starts to type something up, but he ends up erasing it and putting his phone back down. He doesn’t know what to say right now. He misses Kent and he wonders if Kent misses him, too. They haven’t talked in almost a month now, he realizes. He wants to tell Kent about how he finally talked to his parents, wants to tell him about so many things but he just. He can’t, and he thinks maybe this way he can try to start moving on. He doesn’t even know if he can yet, and some part of him refuses to, if he’s honest. He still loves Kent, even after everything that’s happened between them. 

\--

Alexei has been doing great during games, so great that the media has taken notice to how well he’s doing. Right now he’s currently a leading scorer for defensemen for the Falconers. Maybe not the whole league - although some of the media thinks if he had a full season, he would be - but he’s currently the best defensemen for the Falconers. Because of it, he’s been doing interviews after games, not a whole lot, but a few. He’s still worried about his English, but he pushes through it and gets the interviews done. He finds he likes it, even if he’s nervous. He’s been doing the Falconers TV, after all. But that’s usually more fun and games instead of serious interviews. 

“You’ve been racking up assists and some goals lately, how does that feel?”

Alexei smiles for the cameras. “Happy to be here, is all. They are good team. I’m just here to play hockey.”

“Looks like the Falconers have a new star on their hands, and no wonder you were third overall.” 

The coach comes over then, breaking up the media, saying, “Time’s up. We have to get this guy to the bus.”

When he gets to the bus, most of the team is already on it. Marty catches him by the sleeve as he makes his way toward the back, causing Alexei to stop and look at him, and asks, “Did media go okay?”

“Went good, I think. Not ask many questions, some good, some not.”

“So, the usual.”

Alexei nods and continues making his way back when Marty lets go of him. Snowy’s still caught up with the media, since he actually played tonight and had a shutout, so Alexei takes the spot by the window. 

\--

Alexei gets out of practice one day to a text from Kent. All it reads is, _I’m sorry_. He spends several minutes just staring at it, trying to find the right words to say back. He feels like there’s so much he could or wants to say, but in the end he replies back with, _I still love you_. 

He sets his phone back in his bag and goes through the motions of removing his gear and getting out his change of clothes. He takes a quick shower and gets dressed. He doesn’t check his phone again until he’s back home in the quiet safety of his room. 

Kent’s reply of _you really shouldn’t_ makes Alexei pause for a long time. He wants to ask him why he’s saying things like this, that he deserves love, but he can’t make his fingers work to write those words into a text. 

_Not how this work_ , Alexei ends up telling him. 

Kent never replies back, but Alexei isn’t surprised at all. He wishes he could get Kent to see that he deserves all the love in world, wishes he could somehow get Kent to realize his own self-worth, because he’s starting to realize that might be one of Kent’s main hang ups. 

_Even if he did see that_ , Alexei thinks as he lays in bed, _would he still want you at all?_

Alexei shuts his eyes. 

\--

Kent never texts him again after that. Kent’s apology text seemed final, somehow. Alexei wishes they could stay friends despite everything that’s happened, but that sounds like nothing but a far-fetched dream now. He doesn’t think anything will be the same, and sooner rather than later he’s going to have to go head-to-head against Kent on the ice and he’s not too sure how he feels about that. He’s still feeling the pain of heartbreak, but he’s trying, that’s all he really can do at this point. They kept falling into bed together and he feels like that should’ve meant something, but he guesses it didn’t, not really. Not like he had wanted it to.

The end of season is drawing closer and with that is the game against the Aces in Vegas. He tries to put it out of his head, playing good hockey and pushing himself harder in practices. Everyone is starting to look at him with concern and Alexei keeps pushing them away. He tries to be happy, joking with his teammates, going out with the team after games, and attending BBQ’s. He thinks he pulls it off for the most part, better than the last time his team knew something was bothering him, even when it looks like Snowy and Marty are close to pulling him aside and asking if he’s okay. 

Marty and Snowy may know about Alexei now, but they don’t know about Kent - only that he’s sad and heartbroken over some unnamed boy. That’s not Alexei’s place to out Kent and he won’t, not ever, no matter how bad things get. Kent will always be some nameless boy and that’s how it’ll always be. 

\--

Before Alexei knows it, the team is boarding their flight to Vegas. Alexei is quiet on the flight there and everyone leaves him be, Marty and Snowy shooting him worried glances every now and then. Snowy tries to pull Alexei in for a game of cards, but Alexei declines. The flight is long, but eventually they land and Alexei is shouldering his bag as he makes his way down the stairs and into the blistering heat of Vegas. 

He falls asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow when they make it to the hotel. The next next day there’s morning skate, lunch with his teammates, and then he’s taking the ice for warmups and the game. He spots Kent immediately. Kent’s standing by his team’s bench, talking to some tall guy with “Troy” on the back of his jersey that Alexei knows is Swoops. Kent looks troubled and tense, and Alexei wishes they were seeing each other under better circumstances. Someone comes up behind him, nudging him forward, and he turns to see Snowy. 

“Come on, warmups. You can hit pucks against me for a bit,” Snowy tells him, pulling Alexei from his thoughts. 

When Alexei hits the ice for the actual game, he still finds himself looking around for Kent. It’s like a moth to the flame, and Alexei is going to end up getting burned. His head isn’t properly in the game, it’s as if he’s here but not, his focus scattered everywhere. A few times his teammates bump against him, ask him if he’s okay, and Thirdy even hands him smelling salts. But none of that will help him. 

If he was in a better frame of mind, he thinks he would’ve seen the check coming. It happens in the second period and Alexei’s just about to knock a puck loose from Kent, of all people, when someone comes up behind him and knocks Alexei right off his feet. His head hits the boards hard, his helmet falling off his head, before he’s slumped on the ice in pain. He thinks he hears Kent call his name, but that’s probably his mind playing tricks on him. Marty and Thirdy help him off the ice, the trainers asking him questions, and Alexei makes the mistake of looking back to see Kent’s wide, terrified eyes. 

The trainers help him to the locker room, where they start asking him the concussion protocol questions. It’s a long process, takes pretty much the entire second intermission. They eventually find that he does have a mild concussion, and he’s out for the third period. Thankfully tonight is the Falconer’s last game of the season, so Alexei’s happy that he won’t be missing any games.

He listens as they tell him what to do, how long it’ll take, that he’ll need to keep following up until they clear him. But all he can think about is the way Kent looked when Alexei was being helped off the ice.

\--

Alexei’s only been in his hotel room for ten minutes when there’s a knock on his door. When he opens the door, Kent is standing on the other side, hand raised like he was about to knock again. Kent looks terrible, like he didn’t even bother getting properly cleaned up after the game. His hair is wet and hanging loose on his head and for once he isn’t wearing his usual hat. Kent’s expression looks a lot like it did on the ice, eyes wide and terrified. Kent looks worried and maybe a little nervous, too. 

“What you doing here?” he asks, because maybe he had hoped this would happen, but he didn’t expect it at all. 

Kent shrugs. “I wanted to see you, see how you’re doing.” And then, quietly, “Can I come in? I don’t want to do this in the hall.” 

“You come in,” Alexei says, moving out of the way for him. Kent makes his way to Alexei’s bed, looking around the room. Snowy’s bags are by the bed nearest to the door, clothes spilled out everywhere because Snowy’s terrible at keeping his space tidy. Kent sits down on Alexei’s bed and Alexei is left staring at him. 

“So, uh,” Kent starts and then stops, swallowing hard. 

“Why you here?” Alexei asks as he makes his way over to the bed. “You say we can’t do this, you say sorry, but still here. We not together, because you not want that. You not talk anymore, no text. You here, say you worry. I’m not understanding, Kent. Very confused.”

“You got hurt out there, from my team and right in front of me. It was--I don’t want to--” Kent stops, seemingly unable to find the words for whatever he’s trying to say. “It’s not something I wanted to see out there. You getting hurt is…” Kent trails off, looking away. 

“Is what? Not read minds, Kent.”

“It hurt me, seeing you like that,” Kent confesses. 

“Why? You push me away, _that_ hurt me. Now say this?”

“There’s a lot you don’t understand, that you don’t know and I can’t. God, I can’t tell you right now. And I wish, fuck. I wish I didn’t--” Kent lets out a noise of frustration and then he’s leaning forward and kissing Alexei. 

At first, Alexei is too surprised to respond, but after a second he’s kissing Kent back. He gets lost in the kiss, of the feel of Kent’s lips against his. They keep kissing until Alexei finally comes back to reality and then he’s pushing Kent off of him and away. Kent’s eyes are wide again, bottom lip caught between his teeth, and all Alexei wants to do is kiss him again. But he can’t. He can’t. Alexei’s confused, he doesn’t understand how Kent clearly didn’t want him before and yet here he is, being worried about Alexei’s well-being and _kissing him_. 

“Not how this work,” Alexei gets out. “You not do that if you not want me.”

“Maybe I realize I do,” Kent says. “Maybe I realized I made a mistake of pushing you away.”

“No,” Alexei says, a little harsh, moving off the bed and far away as he can get from Kent. “No, Kent. You break my heart, you let me get over you. Do not mess with me.”

Kent sighs and gets off the bed, making his way toward the door. “I hurt you, I know this. I had my reasons and I’m sorry, it was shitty. I’m trying here. I missed you when we weren’t talking. Maybe not talking made me realize things.”

“But before you say you can’t, why change mind now?” 

“Maybe I was scared, maybe I _am_ scared, but I think I might want to try for you.”

Alexei lets out a shaky breath and tells Kent to leave. 

Later, much later, his phone chimes with a new text. When he looks at it, it’s a text from Kent that says, _there’s a lot you don’t know yet. I’m not ready to tell you yet either. I’m sorry, but maybe I can tell you one day. But I still think I want to try with you. I did a lot of thinking when we weren’t speaking. And I miss you_. 

\--

Alexei doesn’t get any sleep after that. He can’t, not with that entire conversation and that text running through his head all night long. He hears Snowy get back a few hours after Kent leaves, stumbling his way toward his bed with a slurred, “G’night, Tater.” Alexei says goodnight back, sounding distracted. He thinks if Snowy was sober he’d be asking if Alexei is alright, and he’s thankful for the lack of questions.

He spends all night thinking. He thinks about how Kent has said similar things before in the past, that there’s a lot that Alexei doesn’t know yet. He’d listen, if Kent ever wanted to tell him. He wants to know why Kent seems to have so many hang ups, why he’s repeatedly fallen into bed with Alexei but also has been pushing Alexei away. He thinks about how Marty told him that Kent just needs to get his head out of his ass, and realizes that in some way Kent maybe finally did. Kent confessed a lot more than he ever did, he realizes. 

_Maybe I was scared_ , rings through his head and he realizes, with startling clarity, that maybe he’s scared too, and for some of the same reasons as Kent. Maybe he’s scared now, too, about Kent after everything that’s happened, but he realizes he still wants to try. He still loves and wants Kent, if Kent also wants to try himself.

He decides, half-asleep, that he’ll find Kent in the morning and tell him that.

\--

Vegas was their last game of the season and they don’t have locker clean out scheduled until later in the week. He finds his head coach downstairs in the breakfast hall first thing in the morning. He probably looks worse for wear, barely having gotten dressed. He’s pretty sure his shirt is buttoned wrong, but he doesn’t really care right now. 

“I’m want to stay in Vegas,” Alexei tells them, voice firm. “I get flight later, still make locker clean out.”

His head coach blinks at him. “Okay. Any particular reason?”

“Personal reason, just need stay here, okay? Please?” he pleads, because he has to get cleared for this, he needs to talk to Kent.

“Alright, you can stay behind, but don’t forget to buy your flight home and to check in with the trainers when you get back. I’ll let Georgia know, she should be around here somewhere,” coach says, and Alexei knows he should wait for her, but he’s out the double doors before coach can even stand up to look for her.

Alexei’s already got his bags and he opens up his texts with Kent and sends, _where you live?_

 _Why?_ Kent replies a few minutes later. 

_Come see you. Need to talk. Send address, I have cab._

_Okay_ , Kent sends back with an address. 

\--

Pulling up to Kent’s apartment, Alexei feels nervous. His hands are sweaty and shaking as he makes his way up the elevator to Kent’s floor. When he knocks on Kent’s door, it doesn’t take long before Kent’s swinging the door open. There are bags under his eyes and he looks like he hasn’t slept much either. 

“Come on in,” Kent says, moving out of the way. There’s a duffle bag by the door and a tie tossed on the floor, but other than that Kent’s place is clean and tidy. Alexei takes a few calming breaths as he makes his way into Kent’s living room, where the TV is on but muted. 

“I,” Alexei starts and then stops. Looking over at Kent, he sees that Kent looks almost hopeful. “I still love you. Last night I mad, think nothing make sense you want me now. Not after what happen.” 

“I’m sorry. I messed up before. I really fucked up.” 

“You say you want to try now. Is this true?” 

Kent nods before saying, “I do. I’m just really scared, Alexei. I’ve always wanted you, even when I was trying to tell myself that I didn’t. I’ve said some really shitty things and I need to not do that, but I’m trying. I want to try to be better, for you. To you.”

Alexei takes a step closer to Kent until he’s standing right in front of him, close enough to touch, and cups Kent’s face in his hands. Kent jumps, clearly startled, but settles once Alexei rubs a thumb against his cheek. “Still mad, still not understand what you tell me, but still want you.”

“You shouldn’t want me,” Kent barely gets out, voice shaky and sad. 

“You not tell me what I want.” Alexei leans in then, placing a kiss against Kent’s forehead and listens as Kent lets out a shaky exhale. “I’m not know what happen to you, but if we try you must promise be honest, is all I ask.”

“I want us to try, I do want to be with you, but I don’t know when I can tell you.” 

“Tell me when you ready, okay?” Alexei asks, brushing a tear off Kent’s face. “All I want.” 

“Okay,” Kent agrees. 

They settle down on the couch after that, Kent tucked close to Alexei’s side. Kent eventually turns the tv off for Alexei, clearly remembering about the concussion. He rubs a hand down Kent’s back and whispers a thanks against Kent’s hair. Kent’s still crying, Alexei can hear him sniffle here and there. 

“So we’ll try now, we’ll date, be together?” comes Kent’s voice a few minutes later, slightly muffled against Alexei’s shirt. “I really would like to date you, if you’ll give me another chance.”

“Take nap, maybe go on date later?” Alexei suggests.

“I’d like that, if you’re up for it,” is Kent’s sleepy reply and within the next breath, Kent’s fast asleep against his chest. Alexei falls asleep soon after and, for the first time, he doesn’t doubt that he’ll wake up with Kent still in his arms. There's still more that they need to work through and talk about, but for right now he's going to enjoy Kent in his arms. Later, they'll talk and see where things go from there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me over at tumblr [here](http://alexeiiimashkov.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Also I am planning on writing a sequel. 
> 
> я действительно хочу поцеловать тебя = I really want to kiss you
> 
> Красивый = Beautiful  
> Отлично = Perfect  
> Моя любовь = My love

**Author's Note:**

> "Come reblog this work and view others from this fest [HERE](https://omgcpheartbreakfest.tumblr.com/post/164618509084/fic-reaching-out-for-the-northern-lights) on the omgcpheartbreakfest tumblr page!"


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